Writing center - If you want to improve your writing skill

if it's a formal piece of writing, i'd advise that you should get rid of all the abbreviations before posting your essay here.

Sounds like Diep, weren't you?
 
Wow, are you using this for your application? It sounds great, though I find some ideas awkwardly put. You know what I would do? I'd give my essay to my English teacher. She'll know how to make your essay sound better.
I got a few suggestions though:

1. "praise my position in class" -> describe my...
2. Put able to after "never": Never able to raise ideas...
3. no-voice: voiceless
4. "the coward myself": -> my coward self...
5. "be singled out"... like stand out?
6. "it's you that..." -> it's you who...
7. "I’ve understood, beenlearning and making all those become my qualities." -> I have understood. I have learned what (qualities) it takes to be a true leader of myself and of others and those qualities will soon be mine. HAHAHAHAHAH




“ Dedicated helper” might be a better word to praise my position in class, rather than “Good leader”. Never raise ideas, never shout out loud, never stand high alone, never dare to oppose anyone. Being in manager team like a dilligent human shadow, like a no-voice humble servant in the crowd, I worked hard but felt tired and sad with the coward myself…. I hatched a hope of one day when I speak, people look at me as smt very important, and they would do whatever I say. I wanted to be singled out.

Nothing would be done if there’s just passion but no action. Determined to “revolutionize”, I nourished my dream through many activities. I wrote articles to newspaper, I joined swimming team, I worked volunteer…I knew it’s vital for me to destroy the craven and to wake up the enthusiasm inside….And the school year of my senior school came, which is a second to none chance for me to take an utter alteration.

On the first day of the year in my new school….

“ Does anyone here love to be class president? Raise your hand!”, said the teacher.

In spite of my effort, the non- nature bravery of mind made it difficult for me to take my hands up right away. It adviced me to look around at others first, so I did. It asked me to wait a little bit, I followed. 1 mins passing by, noone dared.
“ Ok, so maybe I would recommend student who ever was a monitor to be the monitor of our class this year”.
“ No! oh my God, no, it’s not possible.What’s the hell is going on? It cant be like that”, tossing my coward away, blending all my energy in an action, I stood upstraight and said “ I wanna be class president”. Eighty curious eyes stared at me, a pin drop or an insect fly could be heard, silent... And then did I realize, the endless tides of fears occuring in my mind 1 min ago had disappeared enigmatically. Leaving my seat, I went straight to the board and confidently claimed in front of all astonished eyes of others.
“ My friend, I believe I can be a good leader.
I’ll try my hardest to do this job..
Leader is not something that I can possess for only myself in this class.
I want you to know that I can be a good team player and follower as well.
If any of you excels in some certain thing, I would love to be your follower in that…”
“ Thank you very much” _ I smiled.
The next 1 min was passing : exciting and cheering with applause and whistles. I really got out the odd shell of slug that I’d been hiding in. I was standing there, receiving supports from teacher and friends, on my own feet confidently…

…..As the door opened,right from the first step of my real life, I learnt a valuable lesson on leadership: you have to be determined to live up with what u desire, take the innitiative and be proactive to work independently from your personal feelings. If there’s no congenital talent of u innitially to become a leader, it’s you that have to invest on yourself first, then to lead others. I’ve understood, beenlearning and making all those become my qualities.

Plz give comments to this essay.
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firstly, is this a true story, my dear? ;) are you the president of your class now? if yes, that will be one of your significant advantages. :)

“ Dedicated helper --> contributor” might be a better word to praise my position in class, rather than “Good leader”. Never raise ideas, never shout out loud, never stand high alone, never dare to oppose anyone. Being in manager team like a dilligent human shadow, like a no-voice humble servant in the crowd, I worked hard but felt tired and sad with the coward myself…. I hatched a hope of one day when I speak, people look at me as smt very important, and they would do whatever I say (not a good leadership quality). I wanted to be singled out.

Nothing would be done if there’s just passion but no action. Determined to “revolutionize”, I nourished my dream through many activities. I wrote articles to newspaper, I joined swimming team, I worked volunteer… ( can you make this more specific? )

I knew it’s vital for me to break the craven and to wake up the enthusiasm inside….My opportunity came when I got to a new highschool.

On the first day of the school year...

“ Does anyone here love to be class president? Raise your hand!”, said the teacher.

In spite of my effort, the non- nature bravery of mind made it difficult for me to take my hands up right away. It adviced me to look around at others first, so I did. It asked me to wait a little bit, I followed. 1 minute passing by, no one replied.
“ Ok, so maybe I would recommend student who ever was a monitor to be the monitor of our class this year”.
“ No! oh my God, no, it’s not possible.What’s the hell (--> I don't think you should use this) is going on? It cant be like that”, tossing my coward away, blending all my energy in an action, I stood upstraight and said “ I wanna be class president”. Eighty curious eyes stared at me, a pin drop or an insect fly could be heard, silent... And then did I realize, the endless tides of fears occuring in my mind 1 min ago had disappeared enigmatically. Leaving my seat, I went straight to the board and confidently claimed in front of all astonished eyes of others.
“ My friend, I believe I can be a good leader.
I’ll try my hardest to do this job..
Leader is not something that I can possess for only myself in this class.
I want you to know that I can be a good team player and follower as well.
If any of you excels in some certain thing, I would love to be your follower in that…”
“ Thank you very much” _ I smiled.
The next 1 min was passing : exciting and cheering with applause and whistles. I really got out the odd shell of slug that I’d been hiding in. I was standing there, receiving supports from teacher and friends, on my own feet(cliche) confidently…

…..As the door opened,right from the first step of my real life, I learnt a valuable lesson on leadership: you have to be determined to live up with what u desire, take the innitiative and be proactive to work independently from your personal feelings. If there’s no congenital talent of u innitially to become a leader, it’s you who have to invest on yourself first, then to lead others. I’ve understood, been learning and making all those become my qualities.

:) Much better than my essay last year. There are some new words and phrases I haven't known before. My essay last year was honest but too simple, too naive :(
about yours, (that's what you are asking about, right) it is quite well-organized. The story in the class is neat. It is just sometimes difficult for me to get the idea, esp. in the opening and conclusion. Anyway, it is really good on you. Good luck with the application. :)
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See girls, I just don't get this sentence: "I’ve understood, been learning and making all those become my qualities." It should be either something like: [I have understood, having learned and made all those qualities become mine] or as I posted above.
I don't know, just find it a little weird that's all.
Where's our creative writing majors/minors?
 
“ Dedicated contributor” may better describe my position in class than “Good leader”. Never raised ideas, never shouted out loud, never stood high alone, never dared to refute anyone. Being in amanager team like a dilligent shadow, a voiceless humble servant in the crowd, I worked hard but felt tired,upset, and fed up with my coward self…. I hatched a hope that one day when I speak, peoplewould look at me as an idol, and they would do whatever I say. I wanted to be singled out.

Nothing would be done if there’s just passion but no action. (warning: cliche') Determined to “revolutionize”, I nourished my dream by joining many activities: writing articles to a newspaper, participating in the school's swimming team, volunteering in several programs…I knew it’s vital for me to destroy the craven and to wake up my hidden bravery inside….And there came a second-to-none opportunity: my senior year in high school

First day of school, (add name of your high school here)

“ Does anyone here want to be ourclass president? Raise your hand!”, said the teacher.

In spite of my effort, my instinct coward made it difficult for me to take my hands up right away. It adviced me to look around first, so I did. It asked me to wait a little bit, I followed. A minute passed by, no one dared.
“ Ok, so maybe I would recommend student who ever was a monitor to be the monitor of our class this year”.
“ No! oh my God, no, it’s not possible.What's is going on? It cant be like that”, tossing my coward away, blending all my energy in an action, I stood upstraight and said “ I wanna be class president”. Eighty curious eyes stared at me. Silence -- a pin drop or an insect fly could be heard...then I realized, the endless tides of fear occuring in my mind a minute ago had disappeared enigmatically. Leaving my seat, I went straight to the front facing 80 pairs of astonished eyes:

“ My friend, I believe I can be a good leader.
I’ll try my hardest to do this job..
Leader is not something that I can possess for only myself in this class.
I want you to know that I can be a good team player and follower as well.
If any of you excels in some certain thing, I would love to be your follower in that…”
“ Thank you very much” _ I smiled, confidently
Another minute passed with cheering applause and whistles. I hadreally got out of my old sluggish shell that I’d been hiding in. I was standing there, receiving supports from myteacher and friends. It was the first time I stood high confidently on my own feet…

The opportunity door has been opened and I have learned a valuable lesson of leadership: you have to be determined to live up to what you desire, take the innitiative and be proactive to work independently from your personal feelings. If you do not have a born leadership talent, it’s you that have to invest it inyourself first. I have learned this this lesson of leadership, qualities, and life. Looking back on those old days, I am proud that I have defeated my biggest rival - my coward self, grown strong and confident to become who I am today.
 
"Being in amanager team like a dilligent shadow, a voiceless humble servant in the crowd"??? this does not make sense.
this makes sense: Being on a management team, like a dilligent shadow, a voiceless humble servant of the crowd

"writing articles to a newspaper" --> "writing articles for a newspaper"

"my instinct coward" --> "my instinctive cowardice"

"take my hands up right away. It adviced me to" --> "put my hands up right away. It advised me "

"It asked me" --> "It told me"

"tossing my coward away" --> "tossing my cowardice away"

"Eighty curious eyes stared at me. Silence -- a pin drop or an insect fly" --> "Eighty curious pair of eyes stared at me. Silence -- a pin drop or an insect flight"

"I’ll try my hardest to do this job..
Leader is not something that I can possess for only myself in this class" --> "I’ll try my best to do this job..
Leadership is not something that only I possess in this class"

"If any of you excels in some certain thing" --> "If any of you excels in any certain thing"

"Another minute passed with cheering " --> "Another minute passed by with cheers"

"It was the first time I stood high confidently on my own feet…" --> "It was the first time I stood high and confident on my own feet…"

"valuable lesson of leadership" --> "valuable lesson on leadership"

"I have learned this this lesson of leadership, qualities, and life. Looking back on those old days, I am proud that I have defeated my biggest rival - my coward self, grown strong and confident to become who I am today." --> "I have learned this as a lesson of leadership qualities, and life. Looking back on those days, I am proud that I have defeated my biggest rival - my coward self, grown strong and confident to become who I am today."

Those are wat i caught, anything else that anybody catches is very welcomed. :) :p
 
The essay is mine, I was in such a hurry that I didn’t log in. Thank you for all your comments and correction, especially sis My’s, those are great.
But I feel that this essay’s lack of something? U guys’ve corrected my grammar mistakes, what do u think abt the idea? Does it sound strained?
One fd told me that if I’d sent this essay, Bryson (the director) would’ve thought that I was tryin’ to make a clown of him or jokin’ him, and that I should write it in plainer language. What do u think?

It seems not right: “ Being on a management team?” Is it “on” or “in”, I’ve ever seen “manager board”, not “management team”, “management” is wrong, isnt it? Why “a”? I mean my class manager team, is “a” right? (Which means there are more than 1 team like that?). “ Told me”? I think “ asked me” is better.

To sis Huong: my time was in a nutshell, 2 days, hic, u knew it. This’s the first time I wrote this kinda essay, not so successfully. Well, I first intended to send this, but then it struck me that it doesn’t contain enough “qualities” of mine (hehe). Just kidding, actually I thought it must contain facts and figures, rather than nice words about inner strength …So I dropped this (though it took me nearly 3 hrs--> crazy) and wrote a new one. Hic, so ashamed that there are so many grammar mistakes. I think the other is better, at least in terms of idea.
 
Lý Tuấn Minh đã viết:
"Being in amanager team like a dilligent shadow, a voiceless humble servant in the crowd"??? this does not make sense.
this makes sense: Being on a management team, like a dilligent shadow, a voiceless humble servant of the crowd.

If u rewrite using "of," does that mean a dilligent shadow of the crowd also?

"writing articles to a newspaper" --> "writing articles for a newspaper"

"my instinct coward" --> "my instinctive cowardice"
yeah, my bad, having skimming thru


"take my hands up right away. It adviced me to" --> "put my hands up right away. It advised me "

"It asked me" --> "It told me"
It told me to raise my hand (not hands, or unless u want to impress somebody) right away.

"tossing my coward away" --> "tossing my cowardice away"

"Eighty curious eyes stared at me. Silence -- a pin drop or an insect fly" --> "Eighty curious pair of eyes stared at me. Silence -- a pin drop or an insect flight"
pairs
"I’ll try my hardest to do this job..

"If any of you excels in some certain thing" --> "If any of you excels in any certain thing"
make it simpler, "in anything"

"Another minute passed with cheering " --> "Another minute passed by with cheers"

i meant cheering applause, anyway, can be "cheers and applause"

"It was the first time I stood high confidently on my own feet…" --> "It was the first time I stood high and confident on my own feet…"
i like your correction better, but dont see much difference

"valuable lesson of leadership" --> "valuable lesson on leadership"
A native speaker said "in," in this case, btw..

"I have learned this lesson of leadership, qualities, and life. Looking back on those old days, I am proud that I have defeated my biggest rival - my coward self, grown strong and confident to become who I am today." --> "I have learned this as a lesson of leadership qualities, and life. Looking back on those days, I am proud that I have defeated my biggest rival - my coward self, grown strong and confident to become who I am today."

how could this be anything else but a lesson?, i dont think u need to add more words in this case

Heard that u applied to SA, too..
G'luck to both,

To HANG: dont get wat u meant by making it a clown out of bryson
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forgot... i dont see anything wrong with the idea...
It's good to "show" different aspects/qualities of a person, but i'm afraid it's hard to do so in a short essay.

Your facts and figures are in other parts of your app., so dont worry.

Just smiled when i first read this essay, b/c its setting somewhat resembles my essay to Suffield (also my major essay to colleges)... i lost it though (both the eletric+paper versions, x( ... too bad cant show it to u)
 
i don't understand, is it suppose to be a made up exp?? or does it have to be real??

and my, u say it as if u wrote the essay --> another thing i don't get, it's hằng's, so i don't understand wat u mean.

btw, i should recommend hằng to revise that part abt a lesson, it doesn't make sense at all. i mean, when i read it, i didn't understand wat she wanted to say, and even after i corrected her sentences, i still think that i must have misunderstood her idea, or watever she wanted to say.

No offense to anyone here ok. peace out ppl. :D
 
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To sis My : hah, so mine does resemble ur essay 2 years ago? Fun, isnt it? I think because this's kinda typical type. No, it's not application essay, I think it's just addtion info to my interview, so i didnt send it.
To Min :U dont understand that part? How come???
hehe I dont either, to be frank.Maybe coz i was lying? This essay is 30% true so i didnt send it. u can tell.
 
I read some app essays and those go the same way. Sis My, is it supposed to be like that?
The last paragraph, how can i say, strained, forced, " makin' up", or" overdeducing" ( cant find any better word, hic).
 
I post this in a different thread but it seems that not many people paid attention, so I bring it to this thread. This is my short answer (a note to my future roomate) and I really hope to recieve comments from you. Thank you.

Misconceptions – I know how frustrating they can be, and I hate them. So let me make my case clear then. I’m a Vietnamese, and I come from Northern Vietnam. That is, whenever I approach a foreign stranger, it’s most likely that I will be asked questions like “Are you a Viet…err…Viet Cong?” (Often, the word Viet Cong is mentioned with a touch of enmity and apprehension) or “Do they speak Chinese in Vietnam?” (This question can be translated as “Wow, I know where Vietnam is – right next to China, isn’t it?”). Though I don’t feel much offended by these questions, they do hurt my pride. As a Vietnamese, I value the Viet Cong’s struggle for our country’s sovereignty. The term, however, has long become just a historical relic relating to a war that ended thirty years ago, thus, I am not a Viet Cong. And yes, we do live right next to China, but no, we speak our own language, which is Vietnamese, and have our own distinctive culture and custom, of which I am extremely proud. Therefore, even that I may not consider myself as a true patriot, I will try to convince as many people as I can that Vietnam is neither the land of gruesome fighters nor a “Chinese little province.” For example, during the summer in England, I successfully fascinated my English friends by a Vietnam of attractive long-dresses, captivating folk dances, and delicious spring-rolls, a Vietnam which they found to be quite different from what presented in their world-history books. Or just a few days ago, my American grandmother claimed that my Vietnamese-style fried-rice was much better than what she had at a local Chinese restaurant, which compliment made me beam for the rest of the holiday. Still, I am looking forward to introducing my dear mother land to more foreigners and hopefully next year, you won’t be bored with all my stories.
 
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i don't understand, is it suppose to be a made up exp?? or does it have to be real??

and my, u say it as if u wrote the essay --> another thing i don't get, it's hằng's, so i don't understand wat u mean.
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Wat dont u understand? Dont just say u dont understand, point out wat u dont get.
It's Hang's, but as she has asked for recommendations, that's what I'd write if I were her.

Some people just try not to understand what others are trying to express, and that's OK. If u dont understand, doesn't mean that other people don't, or you may say their English is under your standard, or the like.

I totally understood what she wrote about the lesson part. Probably u have so native eyes that u didn't get wat she wanted to say.

Also, I dont get your first sentence of your last post... i dont know what u referred to, and whom you wanted to address your comment to.

U said u didnt mean to offend anyone, but my mediocre eyes sense something going on here.

Just speak straight from what I think. Don't mean to preach or anything,

- My
 
to Hang: the essay is absolutely fine. That's really good on you. Don't worry about time limit. Last year I also had 1 and a half day ;) Why do you throw it away after so much work ? :(
 
oh how can u all write such well-done essays ? I always have difficulty in finding ideas for an essay as well as express them in a natural and English style. Poor me ! Could u plz give me some advices,esp in (<-- is the prep right ?) writing argumentative essays ? Which books/sites should I consult ?
btw, could u give me an outline for this task : "Spare the rod spoilt the child. How do u understand this proverb. Write a 250-word composition discussing the importance of family education" Should I explain the proverb in a sentence or a pharagrahp ?
Thanks a lot.
 
i meant it as a mean of protection, so that hang would not kill me for criticizing her work. i mean, she's pretty touchy. :D :p
 
Proactive= take the innitiative + independent ( both emotional and intellectual) -> so it’s pointless to make it like: “take the innitiative and be proactive to work independently from your personal feelings”.

“ U hv to invest it in urself first”-> what’s exactly “it” here? (Is it “not inborn tallent?”)
But above, it’s said to be “ hidden bravery”, which means it’s hidden somewhere and it exists already--> so what’s the sentence for? It’s not a lesson.
Moreover, “writing articles to a newspaper, participating in the school's swimming team, volunteering in several programs” is not investing, if it were, “Being in amanager team like a dilligent shadow, a voiceless humble servant in the crowd, I worked hard” would be as well.

“Looking back on those old days, I am proud that I have defeated my biggest rival - my coward self, grown strong and confident to become who I am today.” This sounds very ilogical, in the main part of the essay, there’s nothing about “ who I am today”, that strong and confident action doesn’t have anything to work with “ who I am today”, this tells so much but doesn’t show anything, in contrast to “elaborative feelings” above. This is my idea, and sis Nhung editted it, sounding pretty ok, but not right.
Do you think that it’s good to write one more paragraph about “ how I perform today” b4 the last one? To make this essay better?

As I don’t understand the core idea of this kinda app essay, I wanna ask you (esp sis My) if it’s crucial to make the essay pompous (even ilogical), esp this kinda “ difficulties-overcoming” type. And we must make everything possitive even when we’re talking about our weaknesses (like “ I was coward”, but “worked hard”)

To Min: dun know if I’m touchy or not, but ur words sound very sour, should change.hehe
 
oh how can u all write such well-done essays ? I always have difficulty in finding ideas for an essay as well as express them in a natural and English style. Poor me ! Could u plz give me some advices,esp in (<-- is the prep right ?) writing argumentative essays ? Which books/sites should I consult ?
btw, could u give me an outline for this task : "Spare the rod spoilt the child. How do u understand this proverb. Write a 250-word composition discussing the importance of family education" Should I explain the proverb in a sentence or a pharagrahp ?
Thanks a lot.
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If you can explain the proverb completely just in one sentence, that's absolutely fine. If I were you, 2-3 sentences may be better.
My writing style (well, if I have a "style") is simple. I never try to use "big" words ( that is because of my poor voca :D).
About argumentative essays, list all the reasons you support, combine and turn into 2-3 main reasons = 2-3 paragraphs. Then find 2 opposite arguments and discuss them in one last paragraph before the conclusion. All my Toefl essays follow this structure. :) That is the easiest way.
 
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