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Here is my writing in the Journalistic Writing class. Leave alone the Hawaiian words and give me some comments. Thanks!!!!!!!!!! See if you guys can be a teacher ;)

Disc: Anh Le
Article: CD Hawaiian Christmas CDs Review
Fluff

Headline: Turn the music on and enjoy your Christmas!
By: Anh Le

Have you got any ideas of what you will listen to this Christmas? If not, maybe I can help you to pick some invaluable Hawaiian Christmas CDs.
Dancing Cat, a Hawaii-famous record for its great collection of master slack key recording artists, releases two CDs. One is “Ki Ho’alu Christmas: Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar” featuring both traditional holiday carols and Hawaiian Christmas songs from a variety of slack key masters. This one is also reviewed as one you can listen throughout the year. The other is “Hawaiian Slack Key Christmas” which will feature Hawaii’s most famous slack key guitarists jazzing up familiar Christmas carols. You may be impressed with Keola Beamer's unusually subtle arrangement of “Away in a Manger”, excited by the western flavor of Dennis Kamakahi's rendition of “My Hawaiian Christmas” and fervent with Cyril Pahinui’s emotion-laden and Hawaiian-sounding “Auld Lang Syne.”
Mahaka Sons of Ni’ihau, with sweet, simple, almost holistic harmonies, successfully combines traditional Hawaiian melodies with a backyard, country style in “Christmas Day in Hawaii Nei”, a CD that you can not help enjoying this Christmas.
Rivaling with their male artists, female vocalists, including Connie Kissinger, Kaleo O Kalani, Star Williams, Kaua and the Tripp Sisters, can be proud of their soothing traditional Christmas carols in “Females Hawaiian Christmas.”
Theresa Bright continues her island repertoire with the release of her first Hawaiian Christmas CD. You’ll enjoy carols like “White Christmas” and “First Noel” sung in English, along with “Silent Night” or “Po la’ie” sung in Hawaiian. Theresa also treats us all to a very special song, Ho’onani I Ka Makua Mau and Mele Kalikimaka!
And many more such as “Christmas Ukulele Style” or “Christmas Gift” are waiting for you to choose.
 
Chỉnh sửa lần cuối:
this sounds more of an ad than an essay. u've got a way with words, i'll say that thought. :D
 
You're right. It is not kind of essays. See, it is Fluff (some kind of entertainment and ad in a newspaper).
Btw, now I know that there are lots of differences between writing a classic essay and newswriting.
thanks for ur comments. where are DHuong, Thao and others???????
 
sorry.. I am overwhelmed with exams.. :( this week is brutal, man. Help! :((
To QA: You will be an expert at advertising. If I own a company in the future, you will certainly have a position :D
btw, I like your "fluff" a lot. I will study Journalism, too. You have lots of suggestions but what is the focus? Can you show the specific differences among these? :D
 
Nguyễn Diệu Hương đã viết:
sorry.. I am overwhelmed with exams.. :( this week is brutal, man. Help! :((

sounds like Pentz :)) how did ur english final go? 3 essays in a row?

To QA: You will be an expert at advertising. If I own a company in the future, you will certainly have a position :D

Watch out for prep and phrase usage ;)

btw, I like your "fluff" a lot. I will study Journalism, too. You have lots of suggestions but what is the focus? Can you show the specific differences among these? :D

Journalism ? :) Have fun in that class :)) U'll be an article collector instead of a journalist B-)
 
Chỉnh sửa lần cuối:
How about ;)

Have you got any ideas about what music you will listen to this Christmas? If you haven't , maybe I can help you [to] pick some amazing Hawaiian Christmas CDs.

The[B/] Dancing Cat, a Hawaiian record famous for its great collection of master slack key recording artists, releases two CDs. One is “Ki Ho’alu Christmas: Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar,” featuring both traditional holiday carols and Hawaiian Christmas songs from a variety of slack key masters. This is also reviewed as one you can listen throughout the year. The other is “Hawaiian Slack Key Christmas” which features Hawaii’s most famous slack key guitarists jazzing up familiar Christmas carols. You will be impressed by Keola Beamer's unusually subtle arrangement of “Away in a Manger”, excited by the western flavor of Dennis Kamakahi's rendition of “My Hawaiian Christmas” and psyched with Cyril Pahinui’s emotion-laden and Hawaiian-sounding “Auld Lang Syne.”
Mahaka Sons of Ni’ihau, with sweet, simple, nearly holistic harmonies, successfully combines traditional Hawaiian melodies with a backyard, country style in “Christmas Day in Hawaii Nei”, a CD that you can not help enjoying this Christmas.

Rivaling with their male artists, female vocalists, notably Connie Kissinger, Kaleo O Kalani, Star Williams, Kaua and the Tripp Sisters, can be proud of their soothing traditional Christmas carols in “Females Hawaiian Christmas.”

Theresa Bright continues her island repertoire with the release of her first Hawaiian Christmas CD. You’ll enjoy carols such as“White Christmas” and “First Noel” [sung] in English, along with “Silent Night” and “Po la’ie” [sung] in Hawaiian. Theresa also treats us all to a very special song, Ho’onani I Ka Makua Mau and Mele Kalikimaka!
And many more such as “Christmas Ukulele Style” and “Christmas Gift” are waiting for you to choose.[/QUOTE]
 
Chỉnh sửa lần cuối:
đây gần như kiểu, post bài lên, xong rồi, tìm lỗi sai trong đoạn văn, mà cũng chẳng biết mỗi câu có ? lỗi, có bn lỗi trong cả bài, hehe. nhộn phết. :D
 
to sis My, thank you so much for helping me! :) I'm so busy to visit this box daily.
 
I feel overwhelmed by superior writing skills of people here. But for the sake of improvement, please criticize as hard as you can. Deeply appreciate it.

This is a part of my paper in a writing class, theme is Violence and Non-violence

As long as people wouldn’t don't forgive each other, as long as human follow the dangerous desire of power, threats still run around for every countries that use military to solve the conflict. We can’t heal war by war; simply as a flame can’t stamp out another flame, two small flames only make a bigger flame.

As the matter of fact, Mr. Bush used to pretend that Iraq is a big weapon mass destruction threat (consider using another word instead of repeating threat) but Americans found nothing so far in 6 months. In political stage, launching a war to defeat that contumacious Saddam, ultimately getting control of Middle East and express the power of superior weapons, all are really good moves in order to follow and develop his father’s step. I don’t really know whether or not he is reliable because I didn’t know the truth like everybody else, but I highly doubt his action is highly doubted .... (help me fill .... to connect the sentence ) firmly devoted for the good of the world.

“What am I willing to kill or die for? “. Of course certainly there are always something that people are willing to kill or sacrifice for, it would can be our family, my friends, my personal safety or whatever that relate to me. This question flied over my head since I started to realize the down side and distrust of war and violence. With exclusion of my family, my friends and my personal safety, those I would do whatever anything needed in order to protect and assure that they are safe, I’m not willing to kill any human-beings or be killed by any human-being ( Plural noun after any ? ) .

Since the ideas of people’s minds are always changing, there are no such things can last forever, including my belief. Thomas Jefferson said "we are born equal", thus one has rights to live, to enjoy and pursue happiness. So why should I willing to take away from somebody their rights when they mean no harm to me? Is there any different of biological structure between my body and somebody which I had willed am willing to kill? The men, certainly, are different from hungry-carnival animals because we have eyes to see, brain to think and heart to forgive. Most people used to be willed, are willing and will be willing to kill somebody, at least for our country. To fight, to kill and die under the glory of saving the other’s life but rarely realize the truth of the splendid hero, is hardly compared to the pains which is contained, hidden and dumped by the media and government which provide the force, the reasonable willing to kill and die (horrible long sentence, how can I break it down ?). Brainwashed. I’m not saying there is no glory war; I ‘m not saying there is no war fighting for the rights, for people’s life against the mind’s darkness. But is however better ? or despite ? through the modern war when the propaganda is still going on effect us in every aspects of life, please kindly show me how can I have a chance to observe the wonderful truth, in order to believe what is right or wrong.
 
Chỉnh sửa lần cuối:
I just correct some small grammar mistakes...If I myself make mistakes, feel free to correct them. Thanx :D

Vũ Thành Công đã viết:
I feel overwhelmed by the superior writing skills of people here. However, for the sake of improvement, please criticize as hard as you can. Deeply appreciate it.

This is a part of my paper in a writing class, theme is Violence and Non-violence

As long as people wouldn’t --> don't forgive each other, as long as human follow the dangerous desire of--> for power, threats still runs around for every country that uses military to solve the conflicts. We can’t heal war by war; simply as a flame can’t stamp out another flame, two small flames only make a bigger one. (cool!)


How about: "...as long as human beings still desire for power, there is always a threat of military abuse to solve conflicts between countries." well,there is still something wrong..um.. does anyone have any other idea?
 
Chỉnh sửa lần cuối:
Thanks guys for sharing your time and experiences.
Yes, it has to be "the war in Iraq", and is saying "Irag war" wrong gramatically ? .
I've just proof-read mine again, it's such a poor writting with a lot of cheap sentences, damn...
Do you think my editted part is ok ? Any idea for overall structure ?
P/s: how can I switch from Telex mode to normal ?
 
[As long as people dont forgive each other,] (redundant)
As long as human beings follow the thrist for power, threats still hover around all countries that use military to solve conflicts. We cannot heal war by war; simply as a flame can’t stamp out another flame, two flames only create a conflagration

where's ur connection to American situation here?
Bush has been blaming Iraq for its nuture of big weapon mass destruction. However, Americans have found nothing so far in 6 months. Flaming a war to defeat the contumacious Saddam to ultimately get control of TheMiddle East and to show off American superior weapon power, Bush Jr. is acting a good son role in following his father's Hawkish policies. Whether American intervention in Iraq will bring any good to the rest of the world is still unknown. However, one thing is certain: President Bush has taken for granted Reagan's slogan of the American responsibily in spreading out its democracy worldwide.


First two paragraphs.... the rest reserved for someone else ;)

p/s: (America) wars on Iraq (war as a Verb), can also use war on to indicate Iraq as a subject,"in" for mere location.
 
Is this essay particularly about the war on Iraq?

What am I willing to kill or die for? “. is this a quotation?

Of course certainly there are always something that people are willing to kill or sacrifice for, it would can be our family, my friends, my personal safety or whatever that relate to me. This question flied over my head since I started to realize the down side and distrust of war and violence.

If you ask someone if they are willing to kill or die, the answer will certainly be no. However, people still take action when there are threats to their families, friends, personal security or anything related to themselves. This question cluttered my brain when I started to realize the cruelty of war and violence.

With exclusion of my family, my friends and my personal safety, those I would do whatever anything needed in order to protect and assure that they are safe, I’m not willing to kill any human-beings or be killed by any human-being ( Plural noun after any ? ) . --> do you really need this sentence? I don't get what you are trying to say.
 
Chỉnh sửa lần cuối:
Vũ Thành Công đã viết:
and is saying "Irag war" wrong gramatically ? .

No, there's a Vietnam War for u to compare, btw...

In regards to the above post:

Of course certainly
or Whatever anything --> redundancy

Btw, Thomas Jefferson didnt not say exactly what u put in quotation mark (thus you shouldn't have)... he wrote that "men are created equal though. And in his time, "men" itself didnt mean what it means today (exclusion of slaves, women, thus led to the creation of 14th amendment + senecca falls women's independence declaration...)

It seems to me that you have so far digressed from your thesis (how we cannot heal war by war), and stepped into some specific historical and psychological aspects (i dont say those are bad to prove your points, but they seem to be off the point.)

G'luck w/ your future writing though :)
 
To nguyen quynh my, can u explain what do thrist and nuture mean plz ?

conflagration, nice word :).

Wow, you rewrote the paragraph which is so much better. R u writting major or something ?

As regard to Thomas Jefferson, the full quote is "All men are born free and equal, and have certain natural, essential, and unalienable rights" and most people just simply refer as "men are born equal".

You are absolutely correct about it's irrelevant to use his quote. How do you think about the quotation from the Constitution ?

to Nguyễn Diệu Hương:

Is this essay particularly about the war on Iraq?
No, this is just a small part of my paper. Thus it alone is unconnected.

Your new paragraph is great. Both you and nguyen quynh my inspire me to rewrite the whole thing, especially I was emotional when wrote it.

You guys have my thanks and suprise :eek: , surely you are not ordinary writters. Any suggest about books for self-study writting ? I have The element of style, but still not enough.
 
Chỉnh sửa lần cuối:
the same question to you, My. How can you be so good at writing?

I am so bad, man. Got C+ again in my English class :((
 
“ Dedicated helper” might be a better word to praise my position in class, rather than “Good leader”. Never raise ideas, never shout out loud, never stand high alone, never dare to oppose anyone. Being in manager team like a dilligent human shadow, like a no-voice humble servant in the crowd, I worked hard but felt tired and sad with the coward myself…. I hatched a hope of one day when I speak, people look at me as smt very important, and they would do whatever I say. I wanted to be singled out.

Nothing would be done if there’s just passion but no action. Determined to “revolutionize”, I nourished my dream through many activities. I wrote articles to newspaper, I joined swimming team, I worked volunteer…I knew it’s vital for me to destroy the craven and to wake up the enthusiasm inside….And the school year of my senior school came, which is a second to none chance for me to take an utter alteration.

On the first day of the year in my new school….

“ Does anyone here love to be class president? Raise your hand!”, said the teacher.

In spite of my effort, the non- nature bravery of mind made it difficult for me to take my hands up right away. It adviced me to look around at others first, so I did. It asked me to wait a little bit, I followed. 1 mins passing by, noone dared.
“ Ok, so maybe I would recommend student who ever was a monitor to be the monitor of our class this year”.
“ No! oh my God, no, it’s not possible.What’s the hell is going on? It cant be like that”, tossing my coward away, blending all my energy in an action, I stood upstraight and said “ I wanna be class president”. Eighty curious eyes stared at me, a pin drop or an insect fly could be heard, silent... And then did I realize, the endless tides of fears occuring in my mind 1 min ago had disappeared enigmatically. Leaving my seat, I went straight to the board and confidently claimed in front of all astonished eyes of others.
“ My friend, I believe I can be a good leader.
I’ll try my hardest to do this job..
Leader is not something that I can possess for only myself in this class.
I want you to know that I can be a good team player and follower as well.
If any of you excels in some certain thing, I would love to be your follower in that…”
“ Thank you very much” _ I smiled.
The next 1 min was passing : exciting and cheering with applause and whistles. I really got out the odd shell of slug that I’d been hiding in. I was standing there, receiving supports from teacher and friends, on my own feet confidently…

…..As the door opened,right from the first step of my real life, I learnt a valuable lesson on leadership: you have to be determined to live up with what u desire, take the innitiative and be proactive to work independently from your personal feelings. If there’s no congenital talent of u innitially to become a leader, it’s you that have to invest on yourself first, then to lead others. I’ve understood, beenlearning and making all those become my qualities.

Plz give comments to this essay.
 
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