Police

[(tungduong)]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the owner and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK!?!
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police officers and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun? What gun??? There's no gun in it.

(Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.)

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there's a body in it.
Driver: A what???

(Trunk is opened -- no body.)

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!

 

[(tungduong)]

A man walked into an ice cream shop...
Man: I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: I'm sorry sir, but we're out of chocolate. Would you like something else?

Man: Yes, I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: I'm sorry, but we don't have that. Would you like to try a different flavor?

Man: Um... yes. I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: We don't have that. How about a different kind of ice cream?

Man: I'll have some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: Look, Mister, can you spell the "van" in vanilla?

Man: V-A-N.

Scooper: Can you spell the "straw" in strawberry?

Man: S-T-R-A-W.

Scooper: Can you spell the "f***" in chocolate?

Man: But there is no "f***" in chocolate!

Scooper: That's what I've been trying to tell you!

 

[(tungduong)]

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," says the little boy.

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.

Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

[(tungduong)]

A man and a woman who never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both went to sleep -- the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower one.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over, gently wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and give me another blanket?"

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

The woman happily says, "Okay, that sounds great."

So the man says, "Good. Get your own f***ing blanket."