Đoàn Trang
(Ms_Independent)
Điều hành viên
Oprah.com
Until I was about 30, I spent most of my time trying to make sure that no one ever became upset with me. Not fighting was ruining my relationships. Conflict is the mechanism by which we set boundaries around these differences, so that each party feels safe with the other. Whether the fight is an all-out brawl or the mildest tiff, conflict is the way we say, "You may go this far with me, and no further."
I guarantee that every time you successfully discuss a problem and set a boundary with someone you care about, the two of you will feel closer after the "fight" than you did before it. This is only true if you know what you're doing.
Agree on the Rules of Engagement
No matter what the scale of disagreement, all the parties concerned should sit down—at a time when they're not arguing—and agree on what constitutes a fair fight. Ideally, the participants will actually type up a list of rules, post it in a visible place, and promise to abide by it. This isn't something you need to do with every minor acquaintance, but in an intimate relationship, it's invaluable.
Follow a Strategy
Having a strategy for conflict is a way to keep your own interpersonal battles brief, clean, and useful. Vent "hot" anger; act on "cool" anger. Conflict creates anger, and anger creates a strong "fight" reaction. Acting on this impulse will help you avoid ulcers and feel better—but do it before, not during, a confrontation. Second, tell the person exactly what's upsetting you. Describe exactly what you need to feel better. "Let me be me!" is a useless demand because it doesn't specify any clear action. Instead, give instructions like "Next time you disagree with my opinions, go ahead and say so, or ask me to explain where I'm coming from."
And explain what the consequences will be if your needs are not met. In case the other person won't agree to your terms, you must be prepared to do whatever is necessary to meet your own needs without their cooperation.
By Martha Beck
Fighting for Intimacy
Until I was about 30, I spent most of my time trying to make sure that no one ever became upset with me. Not fighting was ruining my relationships. Conflict is the mechanism by which we set boundaries around these differences, so that each party feels safe with the other. Whether the fight is an all-out brawl or the mildest tiff, conflict is the way we say, "You may go this far with me, and no further."
I guarantee that every time you successfully discuss a problem and set a boundary with someone you care about, the two of you will feel closer after the "fight" than you did before it. This is only true if you know what you're doing.
Agree on the Rules of Engagement
No matter what the scale of disagreement, all the parties concerned should sit down—at a time when they're not arguing—and agree on what constitutes a fair fight. Ideally, the participants will actually type up a list of rules, post it in a visible place, and promise to abide by it. This isn't something you need to do with every minor acquaintance, but in an intimate relationship, it's invaluable.
Follow a Strategy
Having a strategy for conflict is a way to keep your own interpersonal battles brief, clean, and useful. Vent "hot" anger; act on "cool" anger. Conflict creates anger, and anger creates a strong "fight" reaction. Acting on this impulse will help you avoid ulcers and feel better—but do it before, not during, a confrontation. Second, tell the person exactly what's upsetting you. Describe exactly what you need to feel better. "Let me be me!" is a useless demand because it doesn't specify any clear action. Instead, give instructions like "Next time you disagree with my opinions, go ahead and say so, or ask me to explain where I'm coming from."
And explain what the consequences will be if your needs are not met. In case the other person won't agree to your terms, you must be prepared to do whatever is necessary to meet your own needs without their cooperation.
By Martha Beck