Đoàn Trang
(Ms_Independent)
Điều hành viên
THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW
The Reason You Chose Your Partner: The Imago Theory
"[Understanding this theory] changed my relationship. It's unbelievable. It's almost like an electric current. Everybody draws to themselves the partner that most can reflect and help you to heal the wounds of your past." — Oprah
Harville Hendrix's groundbreaking tools and techniques are called Imago Relationship Therapy. It can help you understand the hidden reason you picked your partner and show you how to heal your relationship and yourself.
The Theory Behind Imago
Your 'Imago,' which is a Latin term for 'image,' is essentially a composite picture of the people who most influenced you at an early age.
Dr. Hendrix believes that you unconsciously choose a partner, an 'Imago match,' who has positive and negative traits similar to your parents. This partner has the potential to help you heal unresolved pain from childhood.
What is Imago Relationship Therapy?
Imago Relationship Therapy is a form of couples counseling that suggests that your marriage is therapy—you become healed not by a counselor but by the relationship itself.
Unresolved childhood pain such as abandonment, rejection, smothering, shame and helplessness often resurface in your marriage, and is the core of what is causing the pain and conflict in your relationship.
The partner you chose, your 'Imago match,' is often the best person to help you heal because he or she is similar to your childhood caretakers in emotionally significant ways.
Uncover Childhood Wounds
If you are constantly fighting about unwashed dishes, says Dr. Hendrix, "It's not about the dishes...there's a symbolic connection...that triggers a deeper feeling."
Dr. Hendrix says that intense and reoccurring arguments are a good indicator that one or both partners have unresolved childhood pain such as abandonment, rejection, smothering, shame or helplessness.
Couples Exercise
When you are in the midst of an argument, try asking yourself these four questions to get at the root of your pain. Have your partner do the same.
How do I feel when my partner acts this way?
What thoughts do I have when my partner acts this way?
What deeper feelings might underlie these thoughts and feelings?
Did I ever have these same thoughts and feelings when I was a child?
Intentional Dialogue Exercise
"It's so simple to say, 'Let me see if I'm getting this.'" — Dr. Harville Hendrix
Mirroring
The first step of an intentional dialogue is to mirror your partner and let them be heard without judgment.
Mirroring Exercise
Tell your partner the message you would like them to hear. The message should start with "I" and describe your feelings.
Example: "I feel hurt when you talk down to me."
Your partner then mirrors your message:
Example: "If I got it," you feel hurt when I talk down to you. "Did I get it?"
If you feel your partner didn't understand your message, explain again, and have him mirror you until the message is received.
Complete the message. If you were heard accurately, your partner says, "Is there more about that?" This helps you complete your feelings and prevents your partner from responding to incomplete messages.
When the message is completed, your partner then summarizes all of the message.
Example: "Let me see if I got that..."
He should check for accuracy with, "Did I get it all?"
Validating
Your partner does not have to agree with your argument to validate it.
"It's not enough just to be heard, it's 'Do you see that I'm not crazy?'" — Dr. Hendrix
Validating Exercise
To validate your message, your partner needs to use the right language. Start sentences like this:
Example: "You make sense because..."
Or, "I can see what you're saying..."
Using the phrase, "...makes sense..." may be helpful. It tells you that your partner doesn't think your feelings are crazy.
Empathizing
The next big step in the dialoguing process is for your partner to empathize with your expressed feelings.
"Figure out the feeling, and go to that place with him or her. Step into that place with them and they will know you exist for them in that moment. That's a connection." — Dr. Hendrix
Empathy Exercise
Your partner can start the empathy exercise with one of the following:
Example: "I can imagine that you might be feeling..."
Or, "I can see you are feeling..."
Since it's impossible to know exactly what a person feels, your partner should check for accuracy.
He should ask "Is that what you're feeling?" If he didn't understand the feeling, you should readdress the message.
If you share new feelings with you partner upon reiteration, he must mirror those feelings.
Example: "Is there more about that feeling?"
"The Gift"
Dr. Hendrix suggests asking your partner for a behavior change in the form of a "gift."
'What is it that you want that you're not getting?"
"Instead of beating your partner up about it, translate the frustration into the wish." — Dr. Hendrix
Giving "The Gift"
It's time to ask your partner for a small, positive request.
Start by asking something as simple as, "Right now, can I make a request?"
Example: "Can you come and hug me? Can you say a kind word to me?" Your partner should comply.
Keep working at giving each other "gifts" until a shift occurs and you can see your partner without judgment.
"Once couples can rely on these gifts, the safety arena will go up and the defensive barriers go down." — Dr. Hendrix
When you are finished with your intentional dialogue, reverse roles. You are now the receiver of your partner's feelings and should start with the mirroring exercise. With practice, you are on your way to the marriage of your dreams!
yep , those are many helpful advices from one of the best couples therapists, Dr. Harville Hendrix helped these frustrated couples get to the core of their frustration and find a path to greater intimacy. I myself after watching this show just literally speechless cuz it couldnt be more right , it helps me explain everything single little thing that was going on in my own relationship , im now no longer being miserable , confused , angry and desparated, im Freeeee , damn , finally ! Well because of my relationship turning out quite devastating , and i had noone but myself around at the time, I was so exhausted of trying to hold on and struggling with the pain every single day , all day and so many days , and just at that very moment when i was about to give up , I got to know Oprah talk show and have found the strength inside me _ the authentic power...I've learnt so much about self and spirit through this wonderful talk show , Oprah inspires and empowers so much , I even feel like I was born again the second time_ a completly NEW me _ a REAL me_this is exactly the person that i always dream of to become someday_I've found the peace in my very soul... 0
...
hey Hương , I think u can spend a little time on translating these Oprah shows into Vietnamese then u can post in Gỡ rối tơ lòng box , the guests from the Oprah Winfrey talk shows always are famous psychologists , doctors , life coachs , so their advices are definitely helpful, wut d u think , sounds like a very good deal to me :x
The Reason You Chose Your Partner: The Imago Theory
"[Understanding this theory] changed my relationship. It's unbelievable. It's almost like an electric current. Everybody draws to themselves the partner that most can reflect and help you to heal the wounds of your past." — Oprah
Harville Hendrix's groundbreaking tools and techniques are called Imago Relationship Therapy. It can help you understand the hidden reason you picked your partner and show you how to heal your relationship and yourself.
The Theory Behind Imago
Your 'Imago,' which is a Latin term for 'image,' is essentially a composite picture of the people who most influenced you at an early age.
Dr. Hendrix believes that you unconsciously choose a partner, an 'Imago match,' who has positive and negative traits similar to your parents. This partner has the potential to help you heal unresolved pain from childhood.
What is Imago Relationship Therapy?
Imago Relationship Therapy is a form of couples counseling that suggests that your marriage is therapy—you become healed not by a counselor but by the relationship itself.
Unresolved childhood pain such as abandonment, rejection, smothering, shame and helplessness often resurface in your marriage, and is the core of what is causing the pain and conflict in your relationship.
The partner you chose, your 'Imago match,' is often the best person to help you heal because he or she is similar to your childhood caretakers in emotionally significant ways.
Uncover Childhood Wounds
If you are constantly fighting about unwashed dishes, says Dr. Hendrix, "It's not about the dishes...there's a symbolic connection...that triggers a deeper feeling."
Dr. Hendrix says that intense and reoccurring arguments are a good indicator that one or both partners have unresolved childhood pain such as abandonment, rejection, smothering, shame or helplessness.
Couples Exercise
When you are in the midst of an argument, try asking yourself these four questions to get at the root of your pain. Have your partner do the same.
How do I feel when my partner acts this way?
What thoughts do I have when my partner acts this way?
What deeper feelings might underlie these thoughts and feelings?
Did I ever have these same thoughts and feelings when I was a child?
Intentional Dialogue Exercise
"It's so simple to say, 'Let me see if I'm getting this.'" — Dr. Harville Hendrix
Mirroring
The first step of an intentional dialogue is to mirror your partner and let them be heard without judgment.
Mirroring Exercise
Tell your partner the message you would like them to hear. The message should start with "I" and describe your feelings.
Example: "I feel hurt when you talk down to me."
Your partner then mirrors your message:
Example: "If I got it," you feel hurt when I talk down to you. "Did I get it?"
If you feel your partner didn't understand your message, explain again, and have him mirror you until the message is received.
Complete the message. If you were heard accurately, your partner says, "Is there more about that?" This helps you complete your feelings and prevents your partner from responding to incomplete messages.
When the message is completed, your partner then summarizes all of the message.
Example: "Let me see if I got that..."
He should check for accuracy with, "Did I get it all?"
Validating
Your partner does not have to agree with your argument to validate it.
"It's not enough just to be heard, it's 'Do you see that I'm not crazy?'" — Dr. Hendrix
Validating Exercise
To validate your message, your partner needs to use the right language. Start sentences like this:
Example: "You make sense because..."
Or, "I can see what you're saying..."
Using the phrase, "...makes sense..." may be helpful. It tells you that your partner doesn't think your feelings are crazy.
Empathizing
The next big step in the dialoguing process is for your partner to empathize with your expressed feelings.
"Figure out the feeling, and go to that place with him or her. Step into that place with them and they will know you exist for them in that moment. That's a connection." — Dr. Hendrix
Empathy Exercise
Your partner can start the empathy exercise with one of the following:
Example: "I can imagine that you might be feeling..."
Or, "I can see you are feeling..."
Since it's impossible to know exactly what a person feels, your partner should check for accuracy.
He should ask "Is that what you're feeling?" If he didn't understand the feeling, you should readdress the message.
If you share new feelings with you partner upon reiteration, he must mirror those feelings.
Example: "Is there more about that feeling?"
"The Gift"
Dr. Hendrix suggests asking your partner for a behavior change in the form of a "gift."
'What is it that you want that you're not getting?"
"Instead of beating your partner up about it, translate the frustration into the wish." — Dr. Hendrix
Giving "The Gift"
It's time to ask your partner for a small, positive request.
Start by asking something as simple as, "Right now, can I make a request?"
Example: "Can you come and hug me? Can you say a kind word to me?" Your partner should comply.
Keep working at giving each other "gifts" until a shift occurs and you can see your partner without judgment.
"Once couples can rely on these gifts, the safety arena will go up and the defensive barriers go down." — Dr. Hendrix
When you are finished with your intentional dialogue, reverse roles. You are now the receiver of your partner's feelings and should start with the mirroring exercise. With practice, you are on your way to the marriage of your dreams!
yep , those are many helpful advices from one of the best couples therapists, Dr. Harville Hendrix helped these frustrated couples get to the core of their frustration and find a path to greater intimacy. I myself after watching this show just literally speechless cuz it couldnt be more right , it helps me explain everything single little thing that was going on in my own relationship , im now no longer being miserable , confused , angry and desparated, im Freeeee , damn , finally ! Well because of my relationship turning out quite devastating , and i had noone but myself around at the time, I was so exhausted of trying to hold on and struggling with the pain every single day , all day and so many days , and just at that very moment when i was about to give up , I got to know Oprah talk show and have found the strength inside me _ the authentic power...I've learnt so much about self and spirit through this wonderful talk show , Oprah inspires and empowers so much , I even feel like I was born again the second time_ a completly NEW me _ a REAL me_this is exactly the person that i always dream of to become someday_I've found the peace in my very soul... 0
...hey Hương , I think u can spend a little time on translating these Oprah shows into Vietnamese then u can post in Gỡ rối tơ lòng box , the guests from the Oprah Winfrey talk shows always are famous psychologists , doctors , life coachs , so their advices are definitely helpful, wut d u think , sounds like a very good deal to me :x
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