Đoàn Trang
(Ms_Independent)
Điều hành viên
Hi guys , i dunno if yo enjoy those Oprah talk shows i just post or not, cuz noone wanted to say any comment about it, so i guess its O.k , rite??? if any of u find this kinda annoyed , that im only wasting my time or ur time, then just feel free to come up and tell me to quit , k??? thankx :x
All rite , this show help us to go into the many men's real world and makes us really think again about the whole conception thing about the certain way a man supposed to be...yeah , and its about time...the topic speaks for itself , so im just gonna shut up and let u guys hear wut Oprah and many experts gotta say B-)
The Man" Becomes a Real Man
To everyone around him, former NFL quarterback Don McPherson was "the man." But Don says he didn't become a real man until he gave up his football career. Now Don is one of the men leading a movement challenging men to take responsibility for inappropriate male behavior. He helps men open up about sex, relationships and their emotions.
Living Up to Others' Expectations
As much as Don loved playing the game of football, he says he was always uncomfortable with the way others perceived him as being 'tough.' "I had to carry myself in a different way, sometimes not showing emotion, not showing weakness or any kind of vulnerability. It meant being in control all of the time. Most people expected me to be shallow and a womanizer. I struggled with who I really was on the inside versus my need to be a part of the guys who were cool."
"I realized at the end of my football career that I had to address the other half of myself that I had ignored for so many years," says Don. "I knew that on the outside I was 'the man,' but I realized I had to take care of the man inside."
What Being a Man Means
Many men struggle to articulate their emotions, but Don says even the most masculine men want to talk about these issues. "Feelings and emotions are tools that help you deal with everyday life. We learn as boys at a very early age not to have feelings. And once you lose those feelings, you become very constricted. Anger, and extreme joy are the only emotions that we are allowed to have. The most masculine men very often are misunderstood because that masculinity is a mask for who they are on the inside. Being a man is allowing yourself to be the whole person that you are."
Taking Responsibility
By keeping his emotions and experiences inside, Don realized he was helping to perpetuate an image of manhood that was dehumanizing to both sexes. Now, Don works with athletes, students and young men to change the culture that cultivates abuse. "This movement is about challenging what men say to each other in all male environments, how we raise our boys, and how we talk about women which limits who men are." says Don. "Violence against women is a men's issue and men have to confront other men, otherwise, it won't end."
A Better Man On and Off of the Field
Denver Bronco Rod Smith had to face his definition of "being a man" after he pled guilty to a domestic violence charge. After 36 weeks of counseling, he faced his anger and says he is now a better man on and off the field.
Being a "Real Man"
Rod now believes that being a real man is about respecting the other person and showing his true feelings. Initially, Rod didn't think he needed to go therapy but he says the first day of counseling changed his life.
"When I was going through therapy and getting help, I could tell in the locker room which guys had a bad night last night. I could see it. I'd tell them, 'Look, whatever you're doing at home, you don't need to do that anymore.'"
Putting Himself First
Rod has turned his life around and attributes his success to therapy and a willingness to get better. "I'm not in a serious relationship now. I had to deal with me. I learned to be selfish. That might sound bad, but I learned to help me first. I can't be a great father, friend, the financial advisor, the gardener...we have all these titles as men. We do all these things for everyone else, and not for ourselves. So I started focusing on me."
"Now when my kids are with me, they see the difference. That's the hard thing, because they don't live with me anymore, so they think I'm better because they're not here. That's not the case, and that hurts me every day when I'm in the house by myself. I wish I had been the man I am now four, five or 10 years ago."
What Every Man Can Do
Jackson Katz trains athletes, marines and college students to combat violence against women. His program, the Mentors in Violence Prevention Program, helps non-violent boys and men open up about relationships, sex and their emotions. He challenges boys and men to rethink their beliefs about themselves and what it really means to be a man.
It's Everyone's Problem
Jackson believes that only helping men who have been abusive or who "have a problem" won't get to the root of the problem. "One of the focuses of our work is not just on men that have already been abusive, but 'normal, average' guys. The idea is that we need to get more men involved in this conversation. We need more men confronting each other, and more adult men providing leadership to younger men."
"A lot of times guys will say, 'I'm not abusive. It's not my problem. I'm not a rapist. Why are you talking to me?' We believe that's whom we need to be talking to. It's not just a problem for some guys, it's all of us. This culture is producing lots of abusive men every year."
"Suck It Up"
Jackson believes that it's not just a problem of ignoring emotions for men—it's a power struggle. "Boys and men learn very early on that if you want to make it in the world of men, then you have to 'suck it up,' you have to keep things inside. This whole idea of control is about controlling your emotions, and how you present yourself, but it also bleeds over into how you control other people. So control becomes directly associated with manhood in so many men's minds."
Why Men Become Abusive
"The reason why so many men end up being abusive to women, whether sexually, physically or emotionally, is not just because they just don't have access to their feelings, it's also because they bought into the idea that being a man means being in control of other people—your wife, your girlfriend or other women."
How a Real Man Looks
Jackson believes that men are concerned with how they "look," and how other people perceive them, and he argues that this is only holding men back from improvement. "More guys need to have the courage of their convictions. A lot of guys feel uncomfortable with the way their friends are behaving toward women, but we don't say anything. We think our manhood would be questioned, our heterosexuality would be questioned, we might be ostracized and get negative feedback."
When Being "The Man" Goes Too Far
Kevin once believed that being a man meant always being in control. But after his first wife left him and he became abusive to his second wife, he realized he had to gain control of himself, and not others.
Rock-Bottom
At his lowest point, Kevin considered killing his children and himself so he could get even with his ex-wife.
Not Recognizing the Problem
Before getting help, Kevin did not recognize his controlling behavior as abuse. "In therapy, I learned that I wasn't the person I thought I was. I thought I was caring and in touch with my feelings and open-minded. I saw myself as the perfect person. I realized that I wasn't in touch with my feelings, I couldn't name very many feelings, and a lot of the things I had done were abusive. We often define abuse as physical violence, but I had never done that."
"Why is control so important? I had to think that it was an integral part of being a man, that you be in control...especially over your family."
A Hopeful Path
Now Kevin counsels other men and helps them confront anger and other control issues. "Instead of yelling, being sarcastic, or putting someone down, I have to be assertive about my feelings and own the behavior I admit to now."
Daring to Be a Nice Guy
Nineteen-year-old Josh wasn't afraid to confront his high school classmates about how they talked about women. "I was confronted with the choice of treating girls how I was raised to treat them—with dignity and respect—or to comply with the social norm that included belittling women."
Standing Up to His Peers
Josh says, "Guys at my school would treat girls terribly by cheating on them, lying to their face, and calling them names like 'bitch,' 'a fine piece of ass,' and 'ho.' Many guys also believed that sexual rewards came with being nice—like if you bought them dinner, then you deserved something sexual in return. When I spoke up against it, I was ostracized by the other guys at my school. Rumors were spread about me. But I didn't let these guys influence my values. I just want to say that you can be a heterosexual male, stand up for women, and still be successful in life."
Why Boys Are Verbally Abusive
From a young age, boys are conditioned to control themselves, their emotions and how they present themselves. Don McPherson, former quarterback and motivational speaker, says that when they are challenged, or feel their control of a situation is threatened, they may resort to using the same language they use to dehumanize women to stop a confrontation from a peer. They know that many men are afraid that if they speak up, their sexuality will be questioned.
Tolerance Equals Acceptance
Jackson Katz, founder of the Mentors in Violence Prevention Program, says most men are not violent, but a lot of them go along with the crowd. "It's not just a problem for some of the guys—this culture is producing lots of abusive men," says Jackson. "Men and boys who aren't abusive have a responsibility to stop the violence by confronting their friends and peers."
Raising the Next Generation of Men
Scott says his abusive behavior went unchecked for over 10 years. His four sons, now young men, are paying the price for their father's violence. Some have been involved in domestic violence situations; all have had problems with substance abuse.
When his oldest son was 15 years old, Scott decided, "The violence is going to end with me." But the damage had already been done. For years, Scott had terrorized his entire family. "I was working in low-income jobs, and I was frustrated that the money wasn't paying the bills. It was my only way of trying to gain control. Through the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts and the Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program, I learned to control myself."
What Every Dad Should Know
Scott never was arrested. He sought to reform himself in a program that lasted seven years. He hopes each of his sons will complete a similar program. Scott is now a domestic violence advocate and has this message for other fathers:
Be responsible when you have children.
Take a parenting class. Parenting is a hard job.
Take care of yourself. You have to be able to care for yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
If you come from a family with a history of domestic violence, seek counseling before you pass it on to your children.
Teaching Boys to be Men
Don McPherson, Executive Director of the Sports Leadership Institute, says, "We don't raise boys to be men, we raise boys not to be women." Mothers and fathers are equally responsible for teaching boys that girls are weaker and more emotional. Parents often scold little boys not to cry when they fall and hurt themselves. 'Be a man, toughen up.' They learn to repress their hurt and express anger, an acceptable male emotion.
All rite , this show help us to go into the many men's real world and makes us really think again about the whole conception thing about the certain way a man supposed to be...yeah , and its about time...the topic speaks for itself , so im just gonna shut up and let u guys hear wut Oprah and many experts gotta say B-)
The Man" Becomes a Real Man
To everyone around him, former NFL quarterback Don McPherson was "the man." But Don says he didn't become a real man until he gave up his football career. Now Don is one of the men leading a movement challenging men to take responsibility for inappropriate male behavior. He helps men open up about sex, relationships and their emotions.
Living Up to Others' Expectations
As much as Don loved playing the game of football, he says he was always uncomfortable with the way others perceived him as being 'tough.' "I had to carry myself in a different way, sometimes not showing emotion, not showing weakness or any kind of vulnerability. It meant being in control all of the time. Most people expected me to be shallow and a womanizer. I struggled with who I really was on the inside versus my need to be a part of the guys who were cool."
"I realized at the end of my football career that I had to address the other half of myself that I had ignored for so many years," says Don. "I knew that on the outside I was 'the man,' but I realized I had to take care of the man inside."
What Being a Man Means
Many men struggle to articulate their emotions, but Don says even the most masculine men want to talk about these issues. "Feelings and emotions are tools that help you deal with everyday life. We learn as boys at a very early age not to have feelings. And once you lose those feelings, you become very constricted. Anger, and extreme joy are the only emotions that we are allowed to have. The most masculine men very often are misunderstood because that masculinity is a mask for who they are on the inside. Being a man is allowing yourself to be the whole person that you are."
Taking Responsibility
By keeping his emotions and experiences inside, Don realized he was helping to perpetuate an image of manhood that was dehumanizing to both sexes. Now, Don works with athletes, students and young men to change the culture that cultivates abuse. "This movement is about challenging what men say to each other in all male environments, how we raise our boys, and how we talk about women which limits who men are." says Don. "Violence against women is a men's issue and men have to confront other men, otherwise, it won't end."
A Better Man On and Off of the Field
Denver Bronco Rod Smith had to face his definition of "being a man" after he pled guilty to a domestic violence charge. After 36 weeks of counseling, he faced his anger and says he is now a better man on and off the field.
Being a "Real Man"
Rod now believes that being a real man is about respecting the other person and showing his true feelings. Initially, Rod didn't think he needed to go therapy but he says the first day of counseling changed his life.
"When I was going through therapy and getting help, I could tell in the locker room which guys had a bad night last night. I could see it. I'd tell them, 'Look, whatever you're doing at home, you don't need to do that anymore.'"
Putting Himself First
Rod has turned his life around and attributes his success to therapy and a willingness to get better. "I'm not in a serious relationship now. I had to deal with me. I learned to be selfish. That might sound bad, but I learned to help me first. I can't be a great father, friend, the financial advisor, the gardener...we have all these titles as men. We do all these things for everyone else, and not for ourselves. So I started focusing on me."
"Now when my kids are with me, they see the difference. That's the hard thing, because they don't live with me anymore, so they think I'm better because they're not here. That's not the case, and that hurts me every day when I'm in the house by myself. I wish I had been the man I am now four, five or 10 years ago."
What Every Man Can Do
Jackson Katz trains athletes, marines and college students to combat violence against women. His program, the Mentors in Violence Prevention Program, helps non-violent boys and men open up about relationships, sex and their emotions. He challenges boys and men to rethink their beliefs about themselves and what it really means to be a man.
It's Everyone's Problem
Jackson believes that only helping men who have been abusive or who "have a problem" won't get to the root of the problem. "One of the focuses of our work is not just on men that have already been abusive, but 'normal, average' guys. The idea is that we need to get more men involved in this conversation. We need more men confronting each other, and more adult men providing leadership to younger men."
"A lot of times guys will say, 'I'm not abusive. It's not my problem. I'm not a rapist. Why are you talking to me?' We believe that's whom we need to be talking to. It's not just a problem for some guys, it's all of us. This culture is producing lots of abusive men every year."
"Suck It Up"
Jackson believes that it's not just a problem of ignoring emotions for men—it's a power struggle. "Boys and men learn very early on that if you want to make it in the world of men, then you have to 'suck it up,' you have to keep things inside. This whole idea of control is about controlling your emotions, and how you present yourself, but it also bleeds over into how you control other people. So control becomes directly associated with manhood in so many men's minds."
Why Men Become Abusive
"The reason why so many men end up being abusive to women, whether sexually, physically or emotionally, is not just because they just don't have access to their feelings, it's also because they bought into the idea that being a man means being in control of other people—your wife, your girlfriend or other women."
How a Real Man Looks
Jackson believes that men are concerned with how they "look," and how other people perceive them, and he argues that this is only holding men back from improvement. "More guys need to have the courage of their convictions. A lot of guys feel uncomfortable with the way their friends are behaving toward women, but we don't say anything. We think our manhood would be questioned, our heterosexuality would be questioned, we might be ostracized and get negative feedback."
When Being "The Man" Goes Too Far
Kevin once believed that being a man meant always being in control. But after his first wife left him and he became abusive to his second wife, he realized he had to gain control of himself, and not others.
Rock-Bottom
At his lowest point, Kevin considered killing his children and himself so he could get even with his ex-wife.
Not Recognizing the Problem
Before getting help, Kevin did not recognize his controlling behavior as abuse. "In therapy, I learned that I wasn't the person I thought I was. I thought I was caring and in touch with my feelings and open-minded. I saw myself as the perfect person. I realized that I wasn't in touch with my feelings, I couldn't name very many feelings, and a lot of the things I had done were abusive. We often define abuse as physical violence, but I had never done that."
"Why is control so important? I had to think that it was an integral part of being a man, that you be in control...especially over your family."
A Hopeful Path
Now Kevin counsels other men and helps them confront anger and other control issues. "Instead of yelling, being sarcastic, or putting someone down, I have to be assertive about my feelings and own the behavior I admit to now."
Daring to Be a Nice Guy
Nineteen-year-old Josh wasn't afraid to confront his high school classmates about how they talked about women. "I was confronted with the choice of treating girls how I was raised to treat them—with dignity and respect—or to comply with the social norm that included belittling women."
Standing Up to His Peers
Josh says, "Guys at my school would treat girls terribly by cheating on them, lying to their face, and calling them names like 'bitch,' 'a fine piece of ass,' and 'ho.' Many guys also believed that sexual rewards came with being nice—like if you bought them dinner, then you deserved something sexual in return. When I spoke up against it, I was ostracized by the other guys at my school. Rumors were spread about me. But I didn't let these guys influence my values. I just want to say that you can be a heterosexual male, stand up for women, and still be successful in life."
Why Boys Are Verbally Abusive
From a young age, boys are conditioned to control themselves, their emotions and how they present themselves. Don McPherson, former quarterback and motivational speaker, says that when they are challenged, or feel their control of a situation is threatened, they may resort to using the same language they use to dehumanize women to stop a confrontation from a peer. They know that many men are afraid that if they speak up, their sexuality will be questioned.
Tolerance Equals Acceptance
Jackson Katz, founder of the Mentors in Violence Prevention Program, says most men are not violent, but a lot of them go along with the crowd. "It's not just a problem for some of the guys—this culture is producing lots of abusive men," says Jackson. "Men and boys who aren't abusive have a responsibility to stop the violence by confronting their friends and peers."
Raising the Next Generation of Men
Scott says his abusive behavior went unchecked for over 10 years. His four sons, now young men, are paying the price for their father's violence. Some have been involved in domestic violence situations; all have had problems with substance abuse.
When his oldest son was 15 years old, Scott decided, "The violence is going to end with me." But the damage had already been done. For years, Scott had terrorized his entire family. "I was working in low-income jobs, and I was frustrated that the money wasn't paying the bills. It was my only way of trying to gain control. Through the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts and the Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program, I learned to control myself."
What Every Dad Should Know
Scott never was arrested. He sought to reform himself in a program that lasted seven years. He hopes each of his sons will complete a similar program. Scott is now a domestic violence advocate and has this message for other fathers:
Be responsible when you have children.
Take a parenting class. Parenting is a hard job.
Take care of yourself. You have to be able to care for yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
If you come from a family with a history of domestic violence, seek counseling before you pass it on to your children.
Teaching Boys to be Men
Don McPherson, Executive Director of the Sports Leadership Institute, says, "We don't raise boys to be men, we raise boys not to be women." Mothers and fathers are equally responsible for teaching boys that girls are weaker and more emotional. Parents often scold little boys not to cry when they fall and hurt themselves. 'Be a man, toughen up.' They learn to repress their hurt and express anger, an acceptable male emotion.
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