See how miserable a life could be
You sentimental beings need some help...:lol: If your experiences could be more touching than those, post them.
From google:
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I'm inclined to share a portion of my own story and myabe you will see some of yourself as I have seen some of myself in yours.
I was in a bad, physically and verbally abuse controlling relationship. I had to leave in order to get a job and go to school. He had stood in my way (literally) and convinced me for years that I couldn't make it without him. I was pregnant at the time with a baby who was going to be adopted by a couple of dear friends.
It was the scariest thing I have ever done. I was lucky to have the support of loving friends who believed in me. Never underestimate the love that is offered by your friends.
After giving birth it dawned on me how much power I have. What a powerful thing to do. I gave up absolute control. There was very little in my life that I had control over. And while I was on bedrest due to a potentially life threatening condition I realized that there are very few things in life that we can actually have any real control over.
I set two goals.
1. Go back to school.
2. Get a job in a lab.
While I knew I could do these things on my own I also came to the realization that other people take joy in helping somebody get on their feet. I told everybody what I wanted. Soon people were coming to me to show me jobs that, in spite of my limited education, I qualified for.
I got one of them! I'm starting at the bottom but I am working in a lab and I've managed to gain the trust of my employers and convince them that I am worthy of being taught to do things that they wouldn't normally teach somebody of my station.
I also got back into school Just one class a term but for now it's a start. It's adequate and I am keeping in mind that I want more. It's no longer urgent though.
Only after I steadied myself did I decide to pursue any sort of romantic relationship. I knew what terms I needed. I made a mental list of the qualities that were important to me.
The man I'm hanging out with now is somebody who I would have overlooked in the past. He's not gainfully employed. (He takes care of his mother.) He's possibly the most physically intimidating person I have ever seen. In the past I would have let him talk to me for an evening or something and I would have taken his phone # and never called. He is awkward and not into sciences. (I had always pictured myself with one of the lab rats I've come to know.) He's kind though. Utterly and completely respectful of me, my body, and the other commitments I have in my life. I've never felt even remotely threatened, pressured, or disrespected by him. <sigh>
My point?
I had to decide to leap into the unknown and give up all that was familiar and safe before I could have any sort of relationship that didn't tax me emotionally. I had to get my own shit straight first. And now I have to keep sight of my own goals. I journal a lot to keep track of my personal progress and keep things in perspective. I feel as though the work ahead of me is a lot of drudgery but I keep my goals in mind and it is worth it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that there is never a time when I have regretted getting off my ass and doing something to work towards my ultimate goals.
I have heard of a curse that I only now understand.
May you achieve the greatness that you are destined for.
Don't panic and don't forget to pack your towel.
And, parachutes are overrated.
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Lately I find myself getting annoyed and frustrated by everyone around me, including myself. I really don't want to be this way, because it is causing me much anguish.
I'm taking a summer course, American Pluralism, at UB (Univ. at Buffalo). Usually I don't really like school, but now I am actually looking forward going back to school every day of the week.
I don't have a job, but plan on getting one this summer. Hopefully as a referee at a local floor hockey place where I play called Mil-Sher.
I need to decide what I want to do in life sometime soon, but I really have no idea. I feel so much pressure to be something big and making a lot of money, but I really don't think I want to do something I can't stand or don't have passion for. This summer I hope to be a lot closer to figuring out what I want.
I play floor hockey at least two times a week, on Sundays and Tuesdays. This week I'll be playing at least three times, twice on Sunday and once, maybe twice, on Tuesday. This is where I let most of my aggression out. Lately I've been taking more penalties than usual, but most of them are stupid high-sticking calls, which if your stick goes above your waist in the vicinity of someone you get called. It sucks, but I gotta learn to control it. Anyhow, I strive to be one of the best players in the area, and I'm gradually working my way towards doing that. I'm not a goal scorer really, more of a defensive-minded playmaker.
From June 2002 to March 2003 I was in a terrible relationship, my first. Too many head games, too much effort from my part and no reciprocation. I ended up being dumped for another guy, and I must say that hurt when I tried so hard on this girl that was so very fucked up. I tried helping her as much as I could, and that was the reward I received. Turns out now I realize that it was the best thing for the both of us. I'm glad I'm not with her, yet in a way I do miss her, or is it the feelings that she gave me when she actually tried? Ever since the breakup I've been particularly bitter towards the world, and I don't know how to snap out of it.
Lately I've been talking to a girl who happens to be the ex-girlfriend of one of my best friends, and now that he knows that we've been 'talking' and like each other, he seems to be trying to get over her. I think he just wants to find someone to be with, and is really desperate and she was the best chance he had. He had a chance to get back with her but was spending a lot of time with another girl friend of ours and told his ex that he liked this girl after his ex told him she wanted to get back together. Then when he found out our friend didn't have feelings for him, he suddenly again became hung up on his ex and of course she didn't want him back anymore. I never thought this would be the case but I'm afraid to get into another relationship. I won't get into a relationship with any girl until I know her pretty well, and right now I'm in the process of getting to know her. And I feel like a stereotypical guy because lately I just want some passion. As Dashboard Confessional said in Screaming Infidelities, "But as for me, i wish that i was anywhere, with anyone, making out." I just have a hard time believing that I could handle a relationship again, it would be so weird. I'm sure it would be easy to fill that void that I feel with a relationship, but I'd rather have that void there than make another mistake that could have been avoided.
Often times for the past couple months I've spent countless hours in front of the computer, downloading, posting, doing nothing, writing occasionally, or thinking. There have been several times where I've turned down friends to go out just to sit here, and not regretted it. I want to find my desire to do things again, but I don't know where to look.
I want to accept myself again, and be able to say, "Yeah, I'm cool," and really mean it. I want to accept my friends without judging them too harshly either. I've got a lot of soul searching to do.
Thoughts, anyone? What kind of stage are you at in your life?
Alec Trevelyan
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My goals keep getting pushed back. I couldn't get into grad school because of my portfolio (even though I spent two years working on it). I can't get into the game industry because I lack the experience with high end programs background. Every day the big three 0 looms closer, and I have yet to find my way in the world.
The closest I came is when I had a friendship with a women that I unfortunately pushed too far. Its been a year and a half and every day I still remember her. Ever since then, it's been difficult. Incredibly difficult. Why? Because I felt some sense of a museness that "pushed" me to new heights in her.
The only part that may differ, and show why my case may more unique is that I was on anti-depressants for adhd. I attempted to get off because I wanted to show that friend the real me. I always thought she disregarded me more because of the drugs. I should have asked on hind sight, but such a personal question.. would she have replied truthfully in her judgment of our friendship at that point?
Anyhow, it did allow me to confront her with my feelings since I no longer had a plateau to keep me from getting too down. But I handled it badly in that I told her what I was feeling versus explaining (its a long story in itself).
Anyhow, I didn't go back on. Even though there have been days when suicide would be the most logical outlet at that time. But as far as "recovering", no. That scar will always be there. The best bet I have is rerouting functions. Like someone who has lost there sight relying more on there other senses. Also, frankly the adhd acts up now making it much much harder to concentrate on matters at hand. Making it that much harder to complete any project I begin. My muse is gone, and I am just trying to run as best as I can without.
My goal at this time is to get a job in the game industry as an artist. Which could literally never happen because of the competition and the specialization that is occurring. Plus reading how long it takes people to get in, can literally be years. Thats why most begin in their teens. In the meantime I'm jobless, and even with a degree have no skills that I can use in any position that would at least make me feel happy and use my background. And I literally mentally don't know how long I could last with some type of retail dead end job before I gave up on life. But I sense the people around me starting to question my fortitude. That I am lazy, or need pushing. So I don't know how much more time I can have for my dreams.. before they become just that... dreams. I think at that point I can safely end it. For I would have known I did what I could, but the day is over.
The only thing I have going is I am stubborn.
Damn stubborn.
(please no crap about "get help".. I "got help" for years with little happy pills, and in the meantime I got older. Its when I got off that I found the "anger" to push them off and confront some of my demons that I couldn't before)
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One of my favorite quotes is from George Bernard Shaw -
"Life isnt about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
I can relate to where you are at right now, in a way. Because of how i grew up (parents divorced at 6 and then it does down hill from there ) I went through 7 years of therapy, and im better for it. but, im one of those people who doesnt trust anyone else at all, or i trust a few select people with everything, which isnt good because most people cant handle everything that i trust them with, and then they freakout and ... well its like a vicious circle.
But this does have a point. In order to combat this, like i know i have too, I joined a fraternity. Definitely, one of the best moves I have ever made. I just had to get around the stereotypes that the damn media gives them, and see what they are really all about. And it sure as hell isnt drinking, sex, and drugs, at all. Anyway, i got a bid for and pledge Delta Tau Delta to, i guess restore my faith in people and maybe learn to trust others like im supposed to...
Well, the guys are great, and i was doing really really well. But, from March-April is a very bad time of the year for me.. In four years I've had four friends die in car accidents all around the same time, along with close family members and this is the time of the year that my parents got divorced. Now, this is like a emotional time clock, and i always get depressed around this time of year, and this year was really bad b/c I havent been getting along the greatest with my rents and a bunch of other shit ...
Suffice to say, that the brothers of Detla Tau asked me to de-pledge (aka - asked me to not be a part of the fraternity anymore) which was a huge huge hit to me. Cause i had trusted them in what i considered to be the right way, not fully but i trusted them to do the right thing and yea know ... how its supposed to be. At that point, i almost gave up. I have scars on my right arm where i cut myself with keys almost two months ago, but they are still there.
But, i talked to the brothers, alot. They are basically the best friends i have ever had, and when i got back to my room that night after they asked me to de-pledge, I got on IM (major means of communication) and had about 8 brothers all IM me at the same tiime to make sure i was ok, offers to come over, overs for my to come stay the night with them so i wouldnt have to be alone ... to go to perkins (an all night restaruant). It was truly an eye-opening experience.
And I talked to them, and found out why I got asked to leave, and it was basically this: They thought I wasnt ready for the brotherhood, that I needed more time to figure out who I was, and better define who I was. So, they gave me the summer to do so. They want me to rush again in the fall (rush = express interest in joining ... get to know the brothers...again) and im going to.
The moral of this neverending story I guess is that Im there too, trying to figure out who I am, and who I want to be. I really have no idea where I'm going from here or what to do. All that I can say is that ive been just spending alot of time thinking, trying to ferret out who i really am... hanging out with different people. spending time along in front of my computer can sometimes be one of the most cathartic experiences...
My life is really at a standstill right now, as i plot my next move, and basically re-evaluate everything i thought i knew. And im doing better... im a lot happier, a lot more at ease.
I dont know that that helped alot sorry if it didnt ... but i tried. hope i provided some insight