Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted
to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the
plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied
Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the
test and complete the conversion.
On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to
begin.
The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must
discuss my fee, It's $5000."
"$5000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about
$500?"
"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'll never forget that horrible evening I took my grandmother to
the emergency room. And after an hour of pacing the doctor
said, "Emo, your grandmother is on an artificial life support
system. Although her brain is dead, her heart is still beating."
I said, "Oh my God, we've never had a Democrat in the family
before."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man
on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes
nuts."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000
Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C.
that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front
of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the
week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The
M.C. stepped up to the mic.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final
question. You know that if you correctly answer this question,
you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He
hadn't missed a question all week.
"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part
question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a
rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which
part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He
couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American
History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.
"I'll try the easier part first."
The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you
the second half first, then the first half."
The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're
obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm
drunk?"
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I
thought I was a cripple."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using
sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using
sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he
had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained
that these were regular customers and had taught him to
speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the
group were waving their hands around very wildly. The
bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned
you!" and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said,
"If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN
THE BAR!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was "sharing time" in a kindergarten full of bright children.
The teacher was presiding over a discussion about the
children's parents.
One child said, "Well, my mother's a Catholic and my father's
Jewish."
"Oh, wow!" said another. "So what do you believe?"
"I believe in everything," said the first child.
"What do you mean 'everything'?" asked another child.
"Well, you know," said the first child, "Jesus Christ, Moses,
Snow White, everything."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dan had been complaining about these weird pains and
finally went to the doctor. The doctor gave him a thorough
examination. After the doctor was done checking the
results (twice, mind you), he took Dan into an empty
examining room and said, "Well, I've got some good news
and I've got some bad news."
Dan gulped and said, "How about the good news first?"
"Ok. They're going to name a disease after you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes
up with the slogan,
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The second one tries to improve on that with,
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with,
"From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and
almost gave up the race, but finally came up with,
"From the erection to the resurrection."
~~~
Human Studies
WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart,
knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to
use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and
themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the
loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think
there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live
in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or
e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women
do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They
give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends. And all
they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same
to people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady's husband dies. She heads to the funeral home to
make arrangements. She's emphatic that the arrangements
must be done with elegance, and attention to detail.
"For example," she tells the funeral director, "I want no
wooden chairs. Only padded ones. All the comforts possible
to be extended to the mourners. Have the air conditioning set
to a perfect 72 degrees. The flowers should be beautiful, yet
not overpowering in their scent."
The funeral director takes it all down.
The day of the funeral the widow is examining the viewing
room. She notices that the funeral director has not yet turned
on the air conditioner. She orders the director to turn it on so
that when the viewing starts, the room will be a perfect
temperature.
As soon as the air conditioner is on, though, she notices her
deceased husband's hairpiece is flapping in the breeze
caused by the air conditioner. "This won't do!" She orders the
director to take care of the problem. He assures her that he
will take care of it, if she'll just wait in the outer office for ten
minutes. She leaves and comes back after exactly 600
seconds. Sure enough, her husband's hair is all in place.
A month later, the widow is reviewing the bill for the funeral
and she notices there was no charge for the hair problem.
She calls to inquire as to why. She's told that it was "on the
house." "Nonsense," she retorts, "you expended time and
materials and I will compensate you for it. Now, give me a
price!"
"Ok, madam", the funeral director wearily agrees. He holds
the phone away and hollers across the room, "Hey, Charlie,
how much did that nail cost to put that toupee in place last
month?"
~~~
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious
womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car
round," he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the
time he had re-started it, the girl had vanished.
"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an
emergency."
"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."
~~~~~~~~~~
A man went to a storefront psychic for some spiritual
guidance. The man said, "There's a horrible dark cloud
surrounding me."
"I know," said the psychic, "and for a hundred dollars, I can
rid you of it."
The man, eager to be cured, handed over the money. The
psychic then pulled out a book of matches and lit one.
The man said, "What do you call this dark and horrible curse?"
The psychic waved the match in front of his butt and said,
"Mexican food."
~~~
In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts
were charting the Martian surface. "Look at that," said one to
the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by
man."
At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio
communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using
an emissions detector, they followed the source of the
interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you
see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first
astronaut.
"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from
that Starbucks behind you."
~~~
Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure,
Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco
Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you're
going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go . . .
OUTSIDE. Here's a guide:
1. Wear Pants - Countless attempts to better oneself have
been cut tragically short by leaving the house without proper
attire.
2. Use Your Real Name - Sorry, but nobody will be impressed
if you go by the name "2HOT4U", "Monarch" or "SATAN666."
Names like "Steve" or "Greg" are just fine.
3. The Telephone is Your Friend - Hear that ringing sound?
Pick up the phone. Now speak into it.
4. If Your Car Crashes, You Cannot Simply Reboot It.
5. Do Not Be Surprised That Nobody Looks Like Gillian
Anderson.
6. Do Not Flame People - Comparing everyone you disagree
with to unclean primates will not win you friends. In fact, you
may get into a physical fight. If so, the next tip may be of
help.
7. That Red Stuff is Called Blood - Not to be confused with
ketchup, blood is what keeps you alive. If you are leaking, the
real world offers human tech support in the form of doctors and
hospitals.
~~~~~~~~
On a recent archeological dig in Egypt they found a stone
tablet loaded with of hieroglyphics. They translated it:
Notice of Patent Infringement Ruling
In the case of Thor vs. Ug, wherein Thor, holder of patent
0000000001 for Method and Apparatus to Kill Large Beasts for
Purposes of Eating, as implemented by Heavy Rock on End of
Stick, contends that Ug has contravened the Digital Millennium
Copyright Act by disassembling Heavy Rock on Stick to make
Pointed Rock on Stick, and that method of Poking Beasts
Until Dead is essentially a foreseen variation of Hitting Beasts
Until Dead, the Appeals court has ruled in Thor's benefit.
Punitive damages assessed in the amount of 1 (One) Beast
from each family descended from Ug are due to the family
descendants of Thor.
~~~
About ten to fifteen years ago there was a "scandal" at
Buckingham Palace. According to tabloids, a large number
of the staff were homosexual. It was all over the news.
At about that same time, the Queen Mum was staying
overnight at the palace. She woke up in the middle of the
night a little bit thirsty.
She pulled on the service cord (to ring a bell in the butler's
room) so that someone could bring her a glass of water.
(Perhaps a gin and tonic?) No answer. She tried again
and again. Still, no answer.
Finally, in frustration, the Queen Mum put on her bathrobe
and slippers and walked down to the butler's room. There
she found several old men just standing around talking.
Seeing this the Queen Mum said, "Would one of your old
queens get THIS old queen a glass of water?"
~~~
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a training cruise, a destroyer was weaving its way
through a myriad of islands and small fishing boats. Although
it was a clear day, the radar was in operation to train the
reservists. A report came from the radar room to the bridge,
"Target bearing 230 degrees, believe it to be a log."
Unimpressed by this superb job of radar interpretation, the
young officer of the deck scanned the water with his powerful
glasses. Perceiving a pair of sea gulls on top of the accurately
reported log, he barked, "Radar, this is the bridge. Regarding
your last reported target, there are two sea gulls on that log
which you failed to report!"
There was a long silence as the radar antenna was swung
about and pointed in the direction of the log. Then the voice of
the Chief Radarman was heard, "Regarding the last sighting,
we have a correction to make, sir. There ARE two sea gulls
on that log - one male, the other female!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the aged president of the company was out of town, half
a dozen of his senior executives got together to plan some
way to ease the old coot out of the driver's seat. To their
horror, the executive VP's secretary buzzed him halfway
through the meeting to inform him that the president had come
back early and was on his way to see him.
"If he catches us all here he'll know exactly what we're up to,"
cried the VP. "Quick, you five jump out the window!"
"But we're on the thirteenth floor," protested the treasurer.
"Jump!" yelled the VP. "This is no time for superstition!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to
become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless
followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every
day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your
part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?"
"They're not cheap either."
"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed
for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You
mean I have to carry them to the car?!"
~~~~~~~~~~
CONSULTANT OFFERS WHITE NAMES TO BLACK JOB
SEEKERS
On the heels of news that having a black-sounding name
reduces employer response to resumes by 30 percent, a new
company will offer white-sounding names to African American
job seekers for a fee.
Ivory Moniker, Inc., sells a 60 minute consulting session
during which, according to a company brochure, customers
will learn how to:
-- Pick a white name that's right for you.
-- Say your new white name in a natural-sounding way.
-- Get used to hearing yourself called by your white name.
-- Eliminate other black-sounding content from your resume.
-- Pronounce key white-sounding phrases on the phone to
guarantee more interviews.
Meanwhile a spokesman for the Human Resources Council of
America said, "Most companies aren't weeding out people with
black-sounding names because they're racist, they just don't
know how to pronounce them. If you have equally-qualified
candidates and it comes down to calling Greg or calling
Rhashaleema or Aisha, they go with the easy one-syllable
name."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
George was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently
after fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of
that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
George replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight
during three hours of fighting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
French Foreign Minister Dominique deVillepin today warned
Iraq not to act alone in creating weapons of mass destruction.
"Unilateralism is bad," said Mr. deVillepin. "We urge Iraq to
work in a multilateral way, through the U.N. perhaps, to
manufacture, deploy and conceal weapons of mass
destruction."
"I have spoken with German officials," he added. "To prevent
the horrors of unilateral action we are prepared to work with
Saddam Hussein to organize . . . how do you say in English?
A coalition of the killing . . . or is it coalition of the shilling . . .
well, you know what I mean."
When questioned by reporters about the morality of producing
chemical and biological agents, the foreign minister said, "It's
more important to do things together than to do the right thing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Owens, the world famous psychiatrist, was the guest of
honor at a chic party hosted by equally world famous Judi.
Judi saddled up next to Dr. Owens, batted her eyes, tossed
her blonde hair over her shoulder and asked, "Doctor, would
you mind telling me, how would you detect a mental
deficiency in a someone who appears completely normal?"
Dr. Owens chuckled. "Nothing could be easier, my dear.
All you have to do is ask the person a very simple question
which anyone could answer with no trouble at all. If the
person hesitates, that lets you know something might be
wrong 'upstairs,' so to speak."
"Interesting. What sort of question?"
"Well, for example, let me ask you: Columbus made four
trips to North America and died during one of them. Which
one?"
Judi thought for a second and said, "Ummm, do you have
another question to ask? I never was very good at history."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guido's first job when he got to the United States was
sweeping the floors in a pizzeria. After 15 years of hard work,
Guido owned not only the store he started in, but a chain of
50 pizza stores.
Guido believes it's now time to relax a little bit. Enjoy the
fruits of his hard labor. He calls a contractor to have a huge
mansion built for himself.
Guido tells the contractor, "Makea you sure you puta lotsa
da 'halo statues' inna da house. I wanna have lotsa da 'halo
statues' in my mansion, capiche? One inna every room.
One in da kitchen. One in da bathroom. Every room!"
The contractor is impressed with how religious Guido is,
promises to do a good job, and carefully plans a niche in
every room for Guido's statues. The contractor personally
searches for just the perfect religious statues for each room.
Finally, the house is completed and the contractor takes
Guido on a tour of Guido's new mansion. The contractor is full
of pride showing off his work, but Guido looks concerned and
fretful. Finally, the contractor says, "Is there something wrong,
sir?"
"Wherea are alla my halo statues?" Guido cries.
The contractor points to the different statues he's carefully
selected and placed everywhere. "They're in every room, sir,
just like you asked!"
Guido replies, "No no no! I doan wanna no Saintas. I wanna
da 'halo statues'!"
"Sir?"
"You know? Halo statues! Deya ring! You picka dem up, anna
you say, 'Halo? Stat you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was in the fourth grade, we had the horrible Mr. Johnson
as our teacher.
Once he got called to the office. When he got back, he found
all of us sitting absolutely still and quiet.
Shocked, he asked, "Boys and girls, I've never seen anything
like this. It's wonderful. But what made you all act so well
behaved and quiet?"
We all looked at each other and I finally raised my hand.
"Well," I said, "one time you said that if you ever came back
and found us quiet, you'd drop dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Amanpreet had told all of his friends about the great steak
he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them
decided to head down and see if was really as large and
delicious as Preet was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After
looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for
their large, delicious pieces of dead cow.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out
some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
"Now see here," a very embarrassed Preet said to the waiter.
"Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG,
juicy, steak. Today, though,when I have my friends about,
you serve small steaks! What is the meaning of this???"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by
the window."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It has come to the notice of the management that employees
have been found dying on the job, and either refusing or
neglecting to fall over. This practise has to cease forthwith,
and employees found dead in an upright position will
immediately be removed from the payroll.
In future if a foreman notices that an employee has made no
movement for a period of one hour it will be his duty to
investigate as to the cause as it is almost impossible to
distinguish between death and natural movement of some
employees; foremen are asked to make very careful
investigation by holding a pay packet in front of a suspected
corpse, this being considered a most reliable test. There are,
however, cases where natural instinct has been deeply
ingrained and the hand of the corpse will make spasmodic
clutches after rigor mortis has set in.
The most successful test is to whisper "SUNDAY WORK".
This has been known to restore animation to a body which
has been motionless all week.
The above-mentioned test should not be applied to foremen or
assistant foremen, as in their cases movement of any kind is
unnecessary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those hate dirty jokes