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French President Changes Name to Chiraq

(2003-02-18) -- In an apparent show of solidarity with the Republic of Iraq, French President Jacques Chirac has officially changed his last name to Chiraq.

A presidential spokesman said it was a humanitarian move designed to show empathy with France's ally.

However, political opponents charged that the name change is actually part of a multi-billion dollar sponsorship deal between the two nations.


Chirac Offers New EU Members 'Freedom of Silence'

(2003-02-18) -- Jacques Chirac last night offered "liberté de silence" (freedom of silence) to the 13 nations which are candidates for European Union (EU) membership.

"One of the great things about the European Union is that you'll never have to speak your mind," said the French President. "Just listen to what France says, and agree. That's why we call it a Union. We're all together."

Chirac expressed concern that the candidate-nations may not realize they have this freedom because they have publicly supported the position of the United States with regard to Iraqi disarmament.

"In our orientation class," said M. Chirac, "These nations will learn that we call this organization L'Union européenne, or L'UE...never EU, which of course means Etats-Unis (United States)."

He conceded that it sometimes takes a while for new member nations to learn their proper places, and how to enjoy the freedom of silence, "but one would think some of these Eastern European nations would be good at it."

EU Threatens to Have Iraq Inspect Itself


(2003-02-17) -- The European Union (EU) today put some real "teeth" behind a tersely-worded statement calling on Iraq to "disarm and cooperate immediately and fully."

The statement read, in part, "The Iraqi regime alone will be responsible for the consequences if it continues to flout the will of the international community and does not take this last chance."

An unnamed EU spokesman said if Iraq refuses to disarm, "UN inspectors will leave the country, and the Iraqi government will have to continue searching for weapons of mass destruction with no help from other nations."

A spokesman for Iraqi President Saddam Hussein said, "We have stood up to the United States, and defied the United Nations, but who can resist the awesome power of a united Europe? We cannot afford to hire hundreds of inspectors, so we must finally comply with all applicable Security Council resolutions."

Negotiations over the precise wording of the EU statement took hours, but the consensus was, as a French diplomat put it, "No more Monsieur Nice Guy."


Iraqi Parliament Votes 'No Confidence' in Saddam

(2003-02-14) -- A dejected Saddam Hussein quietly packed his bags and left the main Presidential palace today after he lost a 'no confidence' vote in the Iraqi Parliament.

Peace protestors around the world have called for such a vote saying, "we think Saddam should go, but that is for the Iraqi people to decide and not the United States."

Indeed the representatives of the Iraqi people have spoken, dismissing the only leader many Iraqis can remember. Despite years of Saddam's propaganda, they voted their consciences. Heedless of the brutal dictator's track record of torturing and executing political opponents, they cast their votes against him. Regardless of Saddam's history of using chemical and biological weapons against Iraqi citizens, they stood their ground and said collectively, "You must go." Surrounded by his loyal and vicious security force and Republican guards, they decided to do what's right for the Iraqi people.

Asked what he would do next, Mr. Hussein said wistfully, "I'm going to Euro-Disney with Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder. Then I'm going to talk with my old friend Yassir Arafat about that prime minister position he's advertising."

U.S. Concedes Home Field Advantage to Iraq

(2003-02-13) -- U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell announced today that if it comes to war, the United States will concede "home field advantage" to the Iraqi army.

"It's the least we can do," said Mr. Powell. "Rather than fight this war on our turf, or on some neutral battlefied, we'll let Saddam Hussein stay home and we'll bring our team to him."

"The U.S. visit will likely change Mr. Hussein's plans to take his team on the road," he added.
 
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UN Inspectors Order Iraq to Destroy Human Shields :mrgreen:

(2003-02-25) -- Chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix has ordered the Republic of Iraq to destroy dozens of so-called 'human shields' recently discovered by his inspections team.

In a letter to the U.N. Security Council, Mr. Blix said the human shields are "a hindrance, however slight, to compelling Iraq to disarm. They protect Saddam."

The shields may also contain chemical and biological agents which could prove harmful to Iraqi citizens.

"We've found some of the human shields contain controlled substances," the letter states, "and others spew a kind of bilious vitriol that can cause adverse reactions among those nearby."

A terse response from the government of Iraq said: "We have a right to defend our sovereignty. The human shields pose no threat to our neighbors in the region."

'Time Running Back In' for Iraq Disarmament :mrgreen:

(2003-02-25) -- U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, who has repeatedly said "time is running out" for Saddam Hussein to disarm, said today that somehow "time has started running back in."

"We don't know if Saddam has developed some sort of time-warping technology," Mr. Powell said, "But our data clearly show that time has begun to run back in."

Government scientists examining the phenomenon surmise that the space-time continuum may have been breached, allowing Iraq additional time to disarm.

"It's a puzzler," said one unnamed chronologist. "Clearly things aren't supposed to work this way. Time either runs out, flies or seems to stand still. But it never runs back in. If we don't find a way to stop this, the U.N. Security Council will have to develop resolutions demanding action within specified negative-time frameworks. And we don't even know what that means."

'Win Without War' Releases New Talking Points :mrgreen:

(2003-02-25) -- Win Without War, the coalition of organizations planning a "virtual march" on Washington, D.C., this week released a new list of talking points to guide people who call the capitol to protest disarming Iraq through threat-of-force.

The group encourages callers to use their own "heartfelt" words instead of compelling, thought-out reasons. Here is an excerpt from the talking points list:

We can disarm Saddam Hussein without invading Iraq. Despite 12 years of failing to do so, I just feel that we can.

A U.S.-led invasion of Iraq would be the greatest terrorist recruitment tool that Osama bin Laden could imagine. We feel afraid of terrorists and should never do anything that might make them angry.

We can't control war. Experts warn that an attack on Iraq could seriously undermine and destabilize regimes in the region, upsetting monarchs and dictators who also don't like us.

What happens after war? Are we prepared to occupy Iraq for years to come? Think of how long it will take just to de-toxify the WMD landfills, and to give medical treatment to the Iraqi people who have been exposed to chemical and biological agents. Then there's the trials for crimes against humanity. We don't have time for all that.

The administration hasn't convinced our allies or the American public. According to a recent poll:
- 59 % of Americans believe the president should give the United Nations more time;
- 63% said Washington should not act without the support of its allies;
- 87% think 'Joe Millionaire' should have picked the other woman.

Many innocents will be killed or injured, and Saddam doesn't need any help doing that. So let's just allow him to continue killing his own people?

Young Americans will die in battle...War should be the very last resort. First we should pass at least 18 resolutions in the U.N. Security Council, spend almost a year trying to build an international coalition to pressure Saddam to disarm, and continue to take no action even if he doesn't comply with our U.N. resolutions.
 
Hamas Jealous of Saddam's Links to Al Qaeda

(2003-03-15) -- A spokesman for the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas said he and his colleagues in the Palestinian Arab Liberation Front (PALF) are "jealous of Saddam Hussein's links to al Qaeda."

"We're concerned that Saddam will have less money to pay off families of suicide bombers if he's distracted by al Qaeda," said the spokesman. "We know that al Qaeda gets all the headlines because they do the occasional 'big splash' event, But our young people do the day-in and day-out work of blowing themselves up wherever Israeli civilians gather. It's not as spectacular, but it's the foundation of any terrorist organization."

According to a BBC News report, Mr. Hussein encourages terror attacks in Israel by giving cash rewards of up to $25,000 to the families of so-called suicide bombers. The Iraqi leader has given an estimated $35 million to help fund the Hamas brand of terror since September 2000.

U.S. Protests Annan's Naked Appearance at U.N.

(2003-03-14) -- The U.S. Representative to the United Nations lodged an official protest yesterday claiming that Secretary-General Kofi Annan appeared at a Security Council session naked.

"He was completely nude," said John Negroponte. "He strode in with his head held high, smiling and greeting people, and nobody said anything about it."

French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin (who is a man) rejected the U.S. protest.

"Kofi Annan was actually wearing a splendid suit of the finest cloth," said Mr. de Villepin. "The Germans, Russians and Chinese all complimented him on the magnificence of his suit. I also personally admired it. The accusation just shows that Americans are unfit for diplomatic service or unpardonably stupid."

U.S. to Return Statue of Liberty to France

(2003-03-13) -- The White House announced today that the Statue of Liberty will be returned to France, which gave the giant monument to the United States in 1886.

"We're not returning it out of anger," insisted White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. "We want the French to set it up in the Seine and gaze at it for the next few decades. We want French government officials to read the Emma Lazarus poem on the plaque."

The poem, entitled "The New Colossus," was used to raise money for the statue's pedestal in 1883. The last few lines read as follows:

"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
with silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Rumsfeld Adds More Ways for Iraq to Avoid War

(2003-03-12) -- U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld this morning added more conditions which would allow Iraq to avoid war.

The announcement follows British Prime Minister Tony Blair's proposal to add six new terms to a U.N. resolution disarming Iraq.

Mr. Rumsfeld's conditions include the following:

-- Mr. Hussein must admit on Iraqi television that he's "a wicked despotic loaf of pig flesh."
-- He will then gargle with a glass of anthrax-tainted French wine
-- Each morning, Mr. Hussein will personally ingest 16 ounces of metal-filings from a destroyed Iraqi missile or bomb, before he goes to work at the factory which is destroying such weapons.
-- Mr. Hussein will go door-to-door in Northern Iraq, wearing a flower-print dress, begging forgiveness from the Kurds one at a time.

Mr. Rumsfeld said these are just the initial conditions, "off the top of my head. Give me a day or so, I'm just getting started."
 
Clark:Quick victory's not going to happen
"The simple fact is that the liberation didn't quite occur.They didn't uprise".Clark said that Tuesday night.
Clark said that more than a quarter of coalition troops are"tied up in a messy fight in Barsa.
British troops have gathered outside after Iraqi paramilitary forces retreated into the Southen Iraqi city
An apparent local uprising began Tuesday,and the troops are prepared to assist civilians to attack the military regime once the scope and scale of the rebellion is determined.according to british military officials
Clark said another significant portion of coalition troops are fighting in Nasiriya,where Marine seized a hospital on the third consecutive day of fighting.We've got logistics problems,Clark said.
US Central Command spokesman Brig.gen Vincent Brooks said in a briefing Wednesdayin Qatarthat the resitance from Iraqis "doesn't change our timeline"
 
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