funny stories here ! < English only ....:D >

nobita89vn

Phạm Quang Minh
(nobita89vn)

New Member
well according to the fishing purpose ,I think this box is the place for everyone to share his or her funny stories .... of course in this box we should use E instead of vietnamese coz in order not to be deleted by the moderator , hope that u guys will cooperate that we can co-develop :D :D
Cheers,
Minh ku
 
$200 Bucks It Is...
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
 
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
 
that's it for the first funny story ,I still have plenty of stories like this I 'll try to post them all here ... wait for me
Ẹnoy reading ,
Minh ku
 
4 Sons
These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
 
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
 
A Bug
Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there.? The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang.? He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there.? The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again.? The same six-foot cockroach was standing there.? This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain.? Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all.? The doorbell rang.? The cockroach was standing there.? The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor.? He explained events of the preceding four nights.? "What can I do?" he pleaded.? "Not much" the doctor replied.? "There's just a nasty bug going around."
 
A Case for More Beer
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
 
A Cat's Diary
Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects.? They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal.? The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.?

I fear I may be going insane.? Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.
 
Acceptable Excuse
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
 
A Day in Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum? chum?
Guy:? What do you think?? I'm in hell.
Demon:? Hell's not so bad.? We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy:? Sure,? I love to drink.? Love the drinks.
Demon:? Well you're gonna love Mondays then.? On? Mondays that's all we do is drink.? Whiskey,? tequila,? Guinness,? wine coolers,? diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy:? Gee?that sounds great.

Demon:? You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!? Love the smoking.
Demon:? Alright!? You're gonna love Tuesdays.? We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out.? If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy:? Wow...that's...awesome!
 
Demon:? I bet you like to gamble.
Guy:? Why? yes? as a matter of fact? I do.? Love the gambling.
Demon:? Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want.? Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...? If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon:?? You into drugs?
Guy:? Are you kidding?? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon:? That's right!? Thursday is drug day.? Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack.? Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want?and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares!? O.D.!!
Guy:? Yowza!? I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy:? Uh? no.

Demon:? Ooooh? (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
 
omg those stories are all really funny I swear , so mod if you can read this one , please spend a little time reading those stuffs , you 'll find it really interesting and it'll help people those who are stressed a lot ! hope you like these too!
 
Adventurous Dining
A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.

After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
 
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
 
A Lawyer in the Family
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a ------- in the family than a lawyer."
 
A Lawyer's Question
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
 
A Medical Problem
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
 
Q:? Why did the Chicken cross the road?
Anderson Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.? Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.? The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
 
An Art Thief
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:


(brace yourself)


(this is going to hurt.)


(really bad.)


"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
 
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