Common Application Essay

Ngô Thùy Ngọc Tú
(amy_ngoctu)

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Chào tất cả,
Tú tạo chủ đề này để mọi người cùng trao đổi về "gã mà ai cũng biết là ai " :
common essay.
(giấc mộng đêm hè cho bọn teenager chúng ta!!!)
Mùa essay đang nóng, mời mọi người nhập tiệc!
để mở đầu , xin volunteer bài common essay mới ra lò của Tú

Common, give it some feedback!
(Please note: criticism is more welcomed than praise)
Chúc mọi người sớm complete appli (để còn đi chơi Noen nữa chứ.)
:)
:(( :* 8-|



********************START*************************
What do you see as the turning point or important event in your life and why do you view them as such?

Four years can be just a blink of an eye.Four years , however, can witness dramatic changes in a person.
Four years ago,I was like a butterfly,seeking pleasure and safety everywhere I went.Feeling so secure in the loving embracing of my parents,I deemed everything so lovely,simple and smooth.I didn’t have to and didn’t want to try hard to get what I desired.Where there were difficulties,there wasn’t me.I dared not be exposed to risk.That used to be the way I lived.
Then It happened.A turning point to be put down in my life.I went in for my Junior High School English Gifted Team Selection open to every student at the beginning of grade eight.By a stroke of luck ,I passed,selected for the school’s English Major class.There began a new life for me.
My first English Fostering Class got me completely dumbfounded .It suddenly dawned on me how far I had been left behind by my classmates.Those years of ‘ take it easy’ had taken their toll on me.Though chosen as an outstanding student, I am by no means on a par with them.Most importantly of all, there were only ten days left until the screening test.At that time, my mind was racing with thoughts and fears.A part of me wanted to hide away in the corner of the room and let everything collapse.The other part told me to stick to that silver lining like the very life boat to survive.To tell the truth,English was the only thing I could feel proud of then.It was my everything.If I lost it ,I would be broke…
My other part won.I knew it was now or never.I worked and worked and worked around the clock.I studied from dusk till dawn,oblivious of anything surrounding me.To my mother’s surprise, I began to befriend those long forgotten thick textbooks and dictionaries.I learned everything I could , memorized all that possible,filled my head with information to its full extent..My aim at that time was to be a survivor.To keep myself going , I made up motivational phrases like :”The morning is within your palm.” , “My will is made from iron and steel.” or “ Let them know who you really are”.I learned wholeheartedly, as if I had only ten more living days in which to learn.One day passed by.Two days ,three days , four days,……until the big day came.I don’t recall much how I spent those seemingly everlasting three hours of the test.It just seemed like there were only two of us in this world : me and the exam paper.Anyhow,I did pass again.How blissed I was on receiving the news from my friends.It was my greatest triumph ever achieved.Though no prize was given , no celebration was held,I had gained the most precious thing on earth: perseverance.
From that moment,I am no longer who I used to be.Over turned a new leaf. I’ve found my springboard and confidence from that achievement.Now,where there are difficulties,there is me.No longer am I afraid to try and fail.It is just what every human does.The core of the matter is whether one persists till the very end of what one has started.Even if only a spark of hope is alive, I’m holding on to it with both hands.Deep down my heart a voice is saying :”As long as you have dared to try , then you are the champion.”Through many years of trying,failing,trying and soaring,I’ve known that to do the impossible, first of all,one must have the courage to think of the unthinkable.
Dear me, I can still remember that day when you heard the news of passing.Your face made me think of the white, deep sky in the early morning : so fresh,shining and assuring.After four years, a lot of things have been forgotten but I’ll never forget that day I got my first harvest of hardwork and self-awakening,that day I got a taste of my own sweat and turned immediately addicted.The day I was reborn.
Henceforth, no matter where life leads me to,I will not be afraid since with me , I have the greatest supporters of all:
Perseverance and Determination.
 
chị chỉ đọc đoạn đầu, hình như em đánh dấu chấm fay cứ lung tung thế nào ý nhỉ... hoặc là do diễn đàn... thứ 2 là ko được dùng abbreviation ví dụ như wasn't... was not thì đúng hơn... có 1 vài chỗ dùng từ sai nhưng ma thôi em gửi rồi thì cũng ko nhận xét nhiều hơn...
goodluck ;)
 
wasn't có gì mà sai? nếu ý Lan nói là không nên dùng wasn't mà nên dùng was not thì chắc là hợp lý hơn.
với lại chẳng có cái luật nào cấm chuyện dùng abbreviation như thế cả. tất nhiên là về mặt ý kiến cá nhân thì anh cũng sẽ nói như Lan, nhưng mà vì một lý do khác. khi viết, để muốn giữ tính formal của bài viết, mình nên tránh viết tắt như thế. tuy nhiên, xét về hoàn cảnh thì anh nghĩ là essay viết xin học như thế này mang tính cá nhân nhiều hơn là formal... tóm lại là nhìn tổng thể cái bài viết của mình. nếu đã mở đầu theo kiểu formal thì nên giữ cái đó, còn nếu cảm thấy mình muốn hướng theo kiểu "thân tình" thì viết thoáng đi chút cũng không sao.
còn thì nhận xét câu cú với cả ý tưởng + structure thì thôi, đằng nào cũng gửi đi rồi. trong vòng một đoạn ngắn mà phải phát biểu ý kiến cho cả một chủ đề khoai như thế mà viết như em là decent rồi. chúc em Tú may mắn.
 
Bạn Tú nè , hình như bài này kể lể hơi bị nhiều nhỉ, chưa give much insight into yourself.(Mình chỉ cảm thấy thế thôi, bạn đừng bị discourage nhé).
Best wishes.
 
Anh Long à, em có nói sai đâu hehe hoặc là em dùng từ ko đúng với ý mình hehe em chỉ thấy ở đây các bác dạy em là ko dùng abbreviation... thì em nói thế thui mà :D mấy lần bị trừ điểm oan... nhắc nhở các em viết essay thế thôi :D hồi trước commonapp cua em cũng như vậy mừ :D
 
mọi người ơi, giúp em với!!!
sắp đến hạn nộp common appli rùi mà em vẫn thấy cái essay của mình nó simple và thiếu thiếu thê nào í !!.Cũng may em chưa nộp bài như Tú.Giúp em với nhé.Một chầu chè nếu admitted :)
Chúc tất cả giáng sinh vui vẻ.
***********START OF ESSAY**************************************

What do you do when you go to bed? You laugh and say : "sleeping of course." I ,since my childhood, have been spending every first hour of my bedtime learning the kind of lesson no school will teach.

As the darkness pervades my own room and every distracting sound sinks itself into silence, I am lying here, on my 79-by-39 inches bed, gathering all trains of thought about myself, people and the world.It is here, in the very calmness and tranquility of the night that I am being completely true to me, no thought hidden, no feeling covered, no pretension displayed, ony the conversation between me and me voiced clearly and deeply.

At ten o'clock ,I begin by casting my mind back to all mistakes I made during the day.So busy revising for my history exam, I forgot to say hello to my class and give them a big smile like usual.No wonder I was so unlucky this morning. Mom always tells me smiling is the best way to give you energy and happiness and it is for free.I should have been more friendly than burying my head in the book all the time.Surely, the first thing I will do tomorrow is to give everyone a warm 'Have a good day'.

After that, I reassure myself it has not been a bad day.I have realized my ambition : being admitted to my school's swimming varsity team along with six other seniors.Finally, after three and a half months of getting up early and rigorous practice , I have made it .Swimming has been with me since the age of five, being my hobby, my aim, and above all, my close friend, who has seen me through thick and thin, joy and sorrow, ups and downs.I , though , could have done better than ending up a runner-up had I not been so worried and uptight in the first place.Next time, I will try to swim faster and try harder.

It is half past ten now.Starting a schedule for tomorrow would be timely.First thing to do will be driving my sister to school.After my usual geometry class, I will go to the library to gather up information about SARS for my weekly science forum.Then comes the time for a little guitar practice.The music contest drawing near, I should get down to it asap.Exhasted? not yet.A day cannot pass without my visit to the Elderly Organization.I am a social service volunteer there, taking care of three rows of daffodil and seven pots of roses.I love it when, after I have finished all the work, Grandma Chau, Thanh , Bay and I will sit around a table under the carambola tree, telling and listening to each other's story.I will tell them about my school day while, in return, they take me back to thirty years ago when Vietnam was in starvation and people had to eat bran to live by.The stories always made me moved and remained in my mind till now.I have learned a great deal from my elderly friends.

The clock's hand shows eleven now.It would be unwise to stay up late.I spare my last though for all the people I love so well : my parents, my sister and my friends and wish them a sound sleep.Tomorrow is always a brighter day.

*************END OF ESSAY**************************************
 
Tú, ésay của cậu viết theo tone khá lạ nhỉ, gọn, chắc khỏe,đầy tự tin :D Mặc dù tớ vẫn thấy nó thiếu thiếu gì đó về depth, nhưng văn lưu loát và ý tưởng như thế là được rồi, cộng thêm cái record khủng khiếp của cậu thì cứ yên tâm đi nhá ^^
Thi SAT 2 thế nào? Tiếng Pháp mấy?:D
 
Chỉnh sửa lần cuối:
I posted this in the English Club but the box seems to be abandoned :( Deadline is near :(( This piece needs a lot of improvement i thought...however...it's just a supplemental essay.

A model for life



To some people, chess is a game, a way to relax. After all, the basic moves of each chessman are so simple that one can learn them in a day. For others, chess is a sport of tactics and intellect. Despite the apparent simplicity, with thirty-two soldiers on a field of sixty-four squares, the number of possible moves is incredible. For me, chess is much more than a game, more than an intellectual exercise; it is a model for life.

The battle begins. The first lesson I learned in chess was careful planning. Haphazard movements guarantee only failure. I ponder every move, evaluating how it will help me attain my purpose, whether that means expanding my region or taking over the center. Patiently organizing my army, I await my opponent’s mistake before opening an immediate attack. Thanks to chess, I recognize the need for strategic preparation before stepping firmly and fearlessly onto the road to success.

The fight rages. Both armies expand and build up strong defenses. The two opponents analyze the field and apply all the tactics they know to assault each other. I aim to gain room for maneuvering my pieces and to dominate some positions with a panoramic view of the whole field, from which I can penetrate into my opponent’s territory. At the same time, I put up fortresses, linking my men in an unbroken web. Success in life, as in chess, requires keen analysis, maintaining both aggressive and defensive control over the situation.

I open a gambit. This most daring chess strategy requires that one or more pieces be sacrificed to execute the scheme. Giving up a chessman is psychologically difficult and puts me at an immediate disadvantage, but I, an astute player, know that my risk will pay off in greater advantage later in the game. Too often people simply follow their instincts, listen to their fears, and hold onto what they have instead of risking a little now to gain a lot in the future. Chess encourages its players to evaluate life more thoroughly. Winning requires acceptance of temporary setback and sacrificing smaller objects for the major object of dominating the game

The end looms. Only a few men survive on the board. Victory is in my palm. My opponent’s King and some pawns are the last enemies wandering undefeated, while my troop is still vigorous. My opponent keeps setting traps to lure me into a draw game, but my experience tells me exactly how to avoid these pitfalls. Now caution is the key. One erroneous move will overturn the whole situation. I ignore the temporary advantage of promoting a pawn into queen or capturing more men, and instead concentrate on making every soldier, including my King, work at full power to capture his King. In the same way, my determination to succeed in life keeps me concentrating on my goals, ignoring distractions and trivial temptations.

Victory brings further reflection. Whether I win or lose, I re-examine each game to learn from what my opponent and I have done. Thinking about my success in this game, I realize how important it is to exploit all the tools available to me. Starting with only sixteen men, I am conscious that each of them has its own strengths and weaknesses. Used in the right place and time, my active pawns will possibly overcome my opponent’s blocked bishop. Life, like chess, demands the most effective use of whatever materials are at hand. As my father says, “If you know how to play chess, you’ll know what to do with your life.”
 
Chỉnh sửa lần cuối:
By the way, the topic is : Describe an activity that has been most meaningful to you and why ?
 
Hi Đức,
Đọc 3 đoạn đầu trong bài essay của cậu, tớ thấy nhức đầu quá,
giống như là đang suy nghĩ để đánh cờ í + vocab quá cao siêu và structure hơi phức tạp dẫn đến bài không fluent lằm, mặc dù structure rất chặt chẽ và dùng connector tốt.xem lại có đúng không nhé!
Ví dụ : stepping firmly and fearlessly
không nên dùng nhiều adverb quá , vừa luộm thuộm, vừa bombastic :)
It's my first impression.
Để đọc tiếp coi nào...
Quote : Giving up a chessman is psychologically difficult and puts one at an immediate disadvantage, but the astute player knows that his risk will pay off in greater advantage later in the game. Too often people simply follow their instincts, listen to their fears, and hold onto what they have instead of risking a little now to gain a lot in the future. Chess encourages its players to evaluate life more thoroughly. Winning requires acceptance of temporary setback and sacrificing smaller objects for the major object of dominating the game.

đoạn này thiều personal , sao lại là the astute players mà không là I know that?
(cậu sợ tự nhận là astute sẽ bị bảo là chảnh hở?)
còn lại thì, bài này viết tốt lắm, đọc vào là thấy vocabulary aptitude ngay,

Mà cậu nộp bài này cho trường nào thế?
Nghe sao hao hao giống trường tớ.
:mrgreen:
chúc may mắn ,
PS: nhớ xem hộ bài essay của tớ nhá.
Gửi lâu rùi mà không ai cho ý kiến, buồn quá. :((
 
đoạn này thiều personal , sao lại là the astute players mà không là I know that?
(cậu sợ tự nhận là astute sẽ bị bảo là chảnh hở?)

Đã edit :D
 
Essay của ấy tớ thấy về idea như thế là ok :D Về cách hành văn cũng khá mạch lạc :D

Đọc bài của ấy cũng có thể thấy ấy là một người khá involved :-? Tuy nhiên có mang tính kể lể hơi nhiều không :-?

Cũng mới có thời gian đọc qua :D Mai sẽ nghiền ngẫm kỹ hơn nếu có thể

2 more essays to go :((
 
Chao cac ban, here la cai essay Hanh moi viet. Moi nguoi corect giup nha. Thanks.
It's better to be underaated by people than to be overrated by them.
***********Start esay**************************************

The hottest days of the summer just came to my little hometown. All of my friends went to the seaside. All my neighbors retreated into the shade of their cool houses. The only person who left outdoors, enjoyed walking in the bright sunshine is me. “I pass. I will study at one of the top high schools in my country” – I repeated to myself so many times on the day I received the letter of acceptance. I found it difficult to conceal my feeling, the feelings of happiness and pride.

Those feelings is still vivid in my mind even years after this incidence. I was eager for a new, interesting environment at my new school. But on the first day of my new school, I was disappointed. When I came in, my new classmate stared at me for a while. Someone whistled, others smirked .
-“What makes them so exiting?”- wondered I embarrassingly.
Then a boy shouted cheerfully - “Hey, where are you come from? “
-“My little hometown…..… district 9”-answered I softly.
They broke into loud laugh- “A girl from suburb” … I almost wanted to run out of class.

On the following days, I knew the reason why I was laughed at. All my classmates came from famous Junior high schools in the city. Therefore, they didn’t expect a girl coming from suburb like me to be their classmate. Further more, they considered me as a provincial. They thought that I had tried very hard to be in this class and I knew nothing but study. Though I had studied very hard to be in this class, I was also a teenaged girl who liked chatting, shopping, listening to pop and rock music. Every night, the illusion that standing in front of my class, singing the song “My love” of Westlife as I had done in my Junior high school came to me. But that was just my dream. Soon I put my feet on the ground again. The feeling that being misplaced was with me all the first semester of grade tenth.

Monday rolled around much in the manner it always does; after Sunday. As usual, I was back to school in a sleepy and boring state. Today the first class was Chemistry, the class of my form teacher. She returned us the one-period-test. Speaking in her warmest voice, she announced the score for each student. I didn’t notice what she said. Even who got the highest point in this test, it wouldn’t be me. I was a mere zero in this class. I never got the highest point since the school year began. Suddenly, her high voice cut my silly thought – “Good girl, Thanhhanh, yours is perfect”. 32 pairs of eyes stuck on me again like the first day at school .For a while, then they began to clap their hands. Isn’t it me? I have to remind myself to breathe? My teacher’s voice, all my classmate’s handclap were like a bell that woke me up from a long and deep sleep. I was just…..waking up….


Since then, the lonely feeling that followed me through the first semester disappeared. I found myself again. There was one thing I should admitted; if there hadn’t been that day, I would have continued seeing the reflection of a boring and sad girl in my mirror everyday. Soon I realized that if I wanted to change all the world, the first thing to be changed is my ownself. I was back to school on Tuesday with a full of happiness heart. I smiled to everyone I met in my class. I started to talk to the girl who sat next to me and I found that we have the same dreamed boy band. It would be very wonderful if you can give and receive from your friends. That was exactly what I felt at this time.

Those days were far away. While I am telling you this story, I have many call from them, the classmate that two years ago I thought they would never be my friends. They not only teach me how to find good friends but also the way to believe in myself. Having belief in what we face is very important. I myself have learned that. Those days if I had talked to them sooner, put away my self-denied of being thought as a provincial, I wouldn’t have wasted my time so boring.

I am sure there are still many people that don’t believe in themselves. I used to be like that. But whenever I feel unconfident in something, I ask myself “If I myself can’t believe me, who will?” and soon I learned to be more confident.
 
Wow! sorry if I praise you, but I cannot do differently.
Your essay is very personal, simple, and emotional .
Ì I were the admission officer, the answer would be 'Yes'.
However, can you make it shorter?
 
Thịnh mến, ko biết trả lời bây giờ có trễ deadline của bạn chưa? :) Bài của bạn H thấy cũng rất hay rồi, nhưng hình như hơi thiếu một câu chuyện sinh động để các accom có thể ghi nhớ một ấn tượng cụ thể nào đó về bạn, hay nói khác hơn là chưa được personal lắm. :-s
VD như ở đoạn viết về swimming, bạn có thể kể thêm là bạn có kỉ niệm nhỏ nào với môn này, nó đã giúp bạn học được gì qua những lúc 'ups and downs', bạn đã từng vượt qua một thử thách nào trong môn này ko? Tóm lại là đoạn này có nhiều ý tưởng để khai thác lắm đó. :))
Còn đoạn cuối ở elderly organization, H thấy hình như hơi nhiều ý về nguồn gốc Châu Á nhỉ (carambola tree, vietnam, barn, ...) làm người đọc có thể thấy rõ là bạn đang cố ý nhấn mạnh điều đó. 0:) Hay là thử nói thêm về việc bạn đã gắn bó với hoạt động này từ hồi nhỏ xíu hay chỉ mới vài tuần, khi nghe những câu chuyện về ngày xưa thì bạn có cảm giác thế nào, bạn có suy nghĩ là tương lai bạn sẽ làm được gì cho những cụ già ấy (nhưng đừng xa xôi hay phô trương quá), chứ ko chỉ đơn thuần là 'learn a great deal' (learn WHAT? :-/ ) thôi.
Nhìn toàn thể thì bài của bạn có ưu điểm là nó tránh được nhược điểm của các bài essay khác của hs vn năm nay hay gặp là nhắc nhiều tới việc học mà thiếu sự phong phú của các hoạt động xã hội ;) , nhưng chính vì nhắc quá nhiều lại khiến nó giống một bản resume hơn là essay. Theo H thì cái mà accom đánh giá cao ko phải là một 'laundry list' các hoạt động mà là một vài hoạt động bạn thực sự đam mê và hết mình (passion and devotion, cái này quan trọng lém, nhưng hình như chưa thấy được qua bài của Thịnh, ngoại trừ đoạn về swimming, mặc dù H nghĩ là bạn ko thiếu đâu) b-)
Về website của Lũ Heo Phì, trên đó đang có nhiều anh chị du học sinh lắm đó, nhưng ít học sinh hiện tại lắm, toàn là heo cụ ko à, bởi vậy bạn rủ các bạn khác trong lớp vào tham gia với nhé. Vấn đề hiện nay của trường là có quá nhiều website (H biết sơ sơ có 3 website và một forum lẻ) nên khó gom lại thành một khối thống nhất, chứ ko phải là ko có web đâu bạn. Mà chuyện web trường mình thì có lẽ cũng ko cần đem vào đây quảng cáo nhiều vậy đâu, ko khéo lại có người (ko phải dân Ams) khó chịu!
 
To Hạnh: those feelings ARE...; the classmateS...
check tenses & sing/plu. ...carefully ;)
vài câu miêu tả cắt bớt đi đươc mà k0 ảnh hưởng đến essay, vài câu combine lại được cho ngắn bớt :D
overall feelings: good ^^
 
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