College application short answers - Comment please

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Lê Khánh Trang
(Khánh Trang_HAO)

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This is my answer for a short question, and I think it's my worst piece of writing so far (I may write something even worse later). I need your comments and criticizes...from content to voice to structure to word choice to sentence variety to grammar. Please help and thank you.

11. Jot a note to your future roommate relating a personal experience that reveals something about you.

“Are you Viet…err…Viet Cong?” asked new roommate first tentatively, then boldly: “Do you still live in the tropical forest, I mean, like guerillas?” I was then too shocked to answer. To our nation, Viet Cong had long become just a historical term relating to a war that ended 30 years ago, yet I didn’t feel much offended by the first question even noticing that my English friend said the word with a touch of enmity and apprehension. The second one, however, struck my pride and left me speechless. That moment, I realized the war that we longed to forget had never stopped haunting our present. But the friendship between us, 15 year old girls who cared more about the latest fashion than the long-passed war, could not be hampered by divergences and misconceptions. At least, a girl who knew about both Rolling Stones and Britney Spear didn’t seem to them like a guerilla living in the forest. And through my stories of the country’s old-age culture and fascinating legends, Vietnam was no longer a land of gruesome fighters in the eyes of my English friends. That summer I learned how much I valued the beauty of a Vietnam where people are striving to heal the wounds of war, which beauty I had not fully recognized and truly appreciated before. One year later, on my first day at Valley, an American friend was about to ask me the same questions. This time, I knew I was ready to answer.
 
nice writing !
catching intro.... but ur roommate seems to be so rude with the 2nd question. U should add something abt her attitude when she asks u those questions.

Also, shouldnt it be American friend instead of English friend?

Watch ur spellings of pronouns (names) though

This is a natural, flowing piece. I like it, b/c it's so true to me whenever i was approached by an american stranger
 
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Thank you sis My. Btw, I went to England 2 years ago and now I'm an exchange student in US.

However, some criticize me for chosing this topic (It seems a bit too touchy ???). Do you think it would be appropriate for college application?
 
Sorry for having just skimming thru..
Hmm, just reread the topic.... If that's a jot-down note to your future roommate... and if u still want to keep this piece of writing... u should change the structure so that it sounds more like a letter... This (as it is now) would be good for a mere personal experience... In order to make it a note to ur future roommate, i think it should be more appropriate if u reveal more abt yourself (like personal character..., not just your identity, or general viewpoint)...

I dont think anything politic should be avoided in college app... The point is, how to make it sound not like mere political cliches', but your own personal politics-related viewpoint
 
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I have my second version here and I am still looking forward to more comments. Thank you.

Misconceptions – I know how frustrating they can be, and I hate them. So let me make my case clear then. I’m a Vietnamese, and I come from Northern Vietnam. That is, whenever I approach a foreign stranger, it’s most likely that I will be asked questions like “Are you a Viet…err…Viet Cong?” (Often, the word Viet Cong is mentioned with a touch of enmity and apprehension) or “Do they speak Chinese in Vietnam?” (This question can be translated as “Wow, I know where Vietnam is – right next to China, isn’t it?”). Though I don’t feel much offended by these questions, they do hurt my pride. As a Vietnamese, I value the Viet Cong’s struggle for our country’s sovereignty. The term, however, has long become just a historical relic relating to a war that ended thirty years ago, thus, I am not a Viet Cong. And yes, we do live right next to China, but no, we speak our own language, which is Vietnamese, and have our own distinctive culture and custom, of which I am extremely proud. Therefore, even that I may not consider myself as a true patriot, I will try to convince as many people as I can that Vietnam is neither the land of gruesome fighters nor a “Chinese little province.” For example, during the summer in England, I successfully fascinated my English friends by a Vietnam of attractive long-dresses, captivating folk dances, and delicious spring-rolls, a Vietnam which they found to be quite different from what presented in their world-history books. Or just a few days ago, my American grandmother claimed that my Vietnamese-style fried-rice was much better than what she had at a local Chinese restaurant, which compliment made me beam for the rest of the holiday. Still, I am looking forward to introducing my dear mother land to more foreigners and hopefully next year, you won’t be bored with all my stories.
 
Nguyễn Kiều Trang đã viết:
I have my second version here and I am still looking forward to more comments. Thank you.

Misconceptions – I know how frustrating they can be, and I hate them. So let me make my case clear then. I’m a Vietnamese, and I come from Northern Vietnam. That is, whenever I approach a foreign stranger, it’s most likely that I will be asked questions like “Are you a Viet…err…Viet Cong?” (Often, the word Viet Cong is mentioned with a touch of enmity and apprehension) or “Do they speak Chinese in Vietnam?” (This question can be translated as “Wow, I know where Vietnam is – right next to China, isn’t it?”). Though I don’t feel much offended by these questions, they do hurt my pride. As a Vietnamese, I value the Viet Cong’s struggle for our country’s sovereignty. The term, however, has long become just a historical relic relating to a war that ended thirty years ago, thus, I am not a Viet Cong. And yes, we do live right next to China, but no, we speak our own language, which is Vietnamese, and have our own distinctive culture and custom, of which I am extremely proud. Therefore, even that I may not consider myself as a true patriot, I will try to convince as many people as I can that Vietnam is neither the land of gruesome fighters nor a “Chinese little province.” For example, during the summer in England, I successfully fascinated my English friends by a Vietnam of attractive long-dresses, captivating folk dances, and delicious spring-rolls, a Vietnam which they found to be quite different from what presented in their world-history books. Or just a few days ago, my American grandmother claimed that my Vietnamese-style fried-rice was much better than what she had at a local Chinese restaurant, which compliment made me beam for the rest of the holiday. Still, I am looking forward to introducing my dear mother land to more foreigners and hopefully next year, you won’t be bored with all my stories.
Nhấn để mở rộng...
I personally think this better than the previous version
 
Misconceptions – I know how frustrating they can be, and I hate them. So let me make my case clear then. I’m a Vietnamese, and I come from Northern Vietnam. That is, whenever I approach a foreign stranger, it’s most likely that I will be asked questions like “Are you a Viet…err…Viet Cong?” (Often, the word Viet Cong is mentioned with a touch of enmity and apprehension) or “Do they speak Chinese in Vietnam?” (This question can be translated as “Wow, I know where Vietnam is – right next to China, isn’t it?”). Though I don’t feel much offended by these questions, they do hurt my pride. As a Vietnamese, I value the Viet Cong’s struggle for our country’s sovereignty. The term, however, has long become just a historical relic relating to a war that ended thirty years ago, thus, I am not a Viet Cong. And yes, we do live right next to China, but no, we speak our own language, which is Vietnamese, and have our own distinctive culture and custom, of which I am extremely proud. Therefore, even that I may not consider myself as a true patriot, I will try to convince as many people as I can that Vietnam is neither the land of gruesome fighters nor a “Chinese little province.” For example, during the summer in England, I successfully fascinated my English friends by a Vietnam of attractive long-dresses, captivating folk dances, and delicious spring-rolls, a Vietnam which they found to be quite different from what presented in their world-history books. Or just a few days ago, my American grandmother claimed that my Vietnamese-style fried-rice was much better than what she had at a local Chinese restaurant, which compliment made me beam for the rest of the holiday. Still, I am looking forward to introducing my dear mother land to more foreigners and hopefully next year, you won’t be bored with all my stories.
Nhấn để mở rộng...

That's exactly what I thought when I talked to my "half - Vietnamese" pal. He didn't know where his mom's nation is, he thought that Vietnamese spoke Chinese and he didn't want to come to Vn cos he was afraid that the "Viet Cong" would catch him and torture him. I was extremely shocked at how much he knew about Vietnam and now I'm trying my best to make him understand more bout Vietnam esp Vietnamese!
 
I would be very grateful if you guys can have a look at this, point out my mistakes (grammatical or so) and tell me what you think of this short answer.
All comments appreciated. Thank you.
(They leave one third of a page long for the answer)

"Please tell us what you find distinctive about Grinnell and why you are applying":

After mulling the Grinnell Brochure for International students, searching on the website, talking to Grinnell students, what was most chiseled in my mind was the line in red: “A new world of challenge and opportunity”. I know what I am looking for in a college is the intellectual and social environment where I can throw myself in, grab chances and overcome difficulties. I may have a day starting with enjoying myself in the Dance class, then struggling with an Economics paper in the afternoon, having a quick meeting with other Ins & Outs members before a birthday party back in the dorm. From the Grinnell demanding wide-ranged curriculum to the abundant extracurricular activities, there will be numerous things for me to try, to experience, and to learn to grow. Choosing Grinnell does not merely means I am seriously thinking of my next four years but I am thinking of building a solid foundation for a life beyond college. Here, it is my life beyond Grinnell where I can come out as a well- rounded person. After all, a place of opportunities is exactly what makes Grinnell special to me, deepening my desire to become a Grinnelian.
 
Dont feel bounded by the space limit. Last year, I wrote a page long essay and it came out fine.

Dont know if there're any changes in the brochure this year, but last year's was pretty impressive. I indeed used one of the quotations in there ("Where the hell is Grinnell? -- It's in the middle of nowhere" ). Also used some personal reasons which are not related to the brochure :)

Your essay is pretty flowing, but would be better if you had more of a personal reason attached to it :)
 
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I think it has an advantage: You can change the name Grinnell to other's names. So you can save time. :D
 
Thank you so much, sis My. When I read my writing, I feel it lacks something. and I agree with you that should be some personal reasons. Thank you for that.

Thanx Mr/Ms.Guest for pointing out the advantage :-D. For the long essay (like Why X) I don't have enough time. so just Find and Replace ! But probably for this short answer, I'll put some unique things about Grinnell. (in fact, that'll be some personal reasons to put into as My suggested).

I would still love to hear from others. Feel free to make comments. Thanx
 
haha, I just realized Grin doesn't offer any Dance class. Haha
 
to hương, it is not easy for me to make a remark on your writing because i dont know anything about Grinnell, and i also wonder if what you have written was what you felt, were you lying? I mean your writing has something strange but common. So my advice is: tell frankly about your own opinion of Grennell, what really makes you apply, which characteristics of Grennell distinguish it from others (you have to find out about Grinnell's strength to do this better).
Eh, i like this expression :'...Choosing Grinnell does not merely means I am seriously thinking of my next four years but I am thinking of building a solid foundation for a life beyond college...'
I agree with mai about attaching more personal reason, that makes your writing different to others.
That is only my personal idea and please forgive if there is something which is not correct, my English has not been very well so far.
 
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To Hương: I also apply to Grinnell this year and my essay for this question is kinda long, but very general. I did not know that there are so many people applying to Grin, hic hic hic...

To everybody: Thank you very much for your comments on my short answer for Stanford. I have not checked this board for quite a long time and therefore, did not know about some of your suggestion. However, I changed to a totally different topic in the end, and later use that new version for Mac's culture essay. I still would be pleased if you can give some comments.
 
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